Well it has been two weeks since I started this….

Todays challenge is:

Write about how the challenge has changed your perspective thus far.

Well today is a little different.

It is the anniversary of my Mum passing away – it has been three years.

Mum was always grateful.  I took the following list from the eulogy which my wonderful wife read at Mum’s funeral – just note point 7:

On 30/3/2014 Aunty Glor told Ian and I that these were the things she was thankful for:

• Having a good home
• Nice people to look after me
• The doctor comes when I call, and he is nice
• Someone to do my shopping
• Having a joke
• Visits from my family
• I rarely wake up miserable, I wake up grateful
• When I smile it makes other people happy, that makes me happy
• Having a packet of potato chips when I want – sometimes one in the morning and one in the afternoon
• I love seafood – I wish I could have more
• Looking at my photographs – especially the ones of Dad and remembering those days
• I love eggs for breakfast – emphasized love!

I don’t want to write anymore tonight about this (sounded a little forrest Gumpy there!)

I think my previous post of Mum’s eulogy is enough for today.

Dont you hate it when someone, or some news article says ‘more to follow’ and it doesn’t….

So this post is specifically to stop that angst and is related to a previous post (insert link here) – which through the magic of technology I am putting on the internet within milliseconds of each other – it really is magic.

So – how are we better at receiving bad news – the profound truth!!!

We are not – because we are emotional beasts that crave the emotional response that is so much a part of society we don’t notice it.  What is that?  Gratification!  Yes, gratification is the beast that is killing all our emotions – mostly it is killing the moment to understand….  Understand what?  Well, the rest of it.

Unfortunately receiving bad news does not fit into the category of gratification – unless your are really the ultimate sicko – and there are a few of them!.  Bad news fits into the category “That I have suddenly had the illusion that I am special and destined for greatness and I am not a part of the rest of you, suddenly shattered by the realisation that I am” – except that it is not; bad news is not the realisation that you are not special, or talented, or gifted or on the TV.

Bad news is mostly not bad news.

“Oh, but he dropped me, and I loved him more than anything else”

 

But, I didn’t get that job and I was the best candidate and all the rest were pretenders..”

 

“But my cat died and I love him”

 

“I didn’t win the fucking lottery”

NO! NO! NO!

The bad news that you lament and bitch and screem about is not bad news… it is just you being a sook, a victim and a product of the NOW generation that thinks all of us can be exceptional and special and destined for success and getting the golden button on X-Factor or whatever that bullshit show is….. or that 30 seconds of fame when you see your name on the bottom of the screen with “Concerned Neighbour” written below it in some  bullshit, yet somehow important, appearing font….

Bad news is personal, and heartfelt and dwindles or lingers – it is not a sound grab on ‘The Project’ or an expose on A Current Affair or a blame game of those who cause you pain…. No, bad news is in the heart.

I have thought about this a lot, and have thought that my life is full of bad news.  Yet, whenever I think back about it, I realise that most bad news, I cant even remember – which is a paradox in itself.

Let’s get this straight, bad news fits into the following categories with the following percentaged.

• Bullshit Bad News – 95%
• Kick in the Balls Bad New – 4.5%
• In the Heart Bad News – .5%a

The bad news that I got today fits into Bullshit Bad News.  Nobody died – and by the way, without jumping ahead, which I just did, that is not even Kick in the Ball Bad News because people die everyday – it is inevitable!!!!

Most (look above 95%) of all your whinging and crying is just bullshit.  Most of it you don’t even remember.  But, at the time you carried on like you were kicked in the balls (see below) but then you saw something shiny and were distracted in another direction – “ooo cry, cry, cry my cat died – but, look here is my new pussy, isn’t she or he or other, cute…”.

Kick in the balls bad news hurts – it is really is like a kick in the balls.  “Sorry we are sacking you because everyone thinks you are a prick”  – Shit! Kick in the balls, as you thought you were an okay type guy (but secretly you knew you were a prick – so you go and get another job, as your ego is actually bigger than your prick and you make a prick of yourself somewhere else… and the cycle continues…).  this is not always the case as sometimes you get a kick in the balls and you don’t deserve it – by the way it doesn’t hurt any less.

And, then, there is ‘In the Heart Bad News”….  I want to make a joke about this, but there isn’t one….

It cripples you (a kick in the balls is a tickle in comparison – actually it’s a tickle with a feather in comparison…)

It gets a little more attention than Bullshit Bad News, it gets a mate holding the ice pack a few minutes more that a Kick in the Balls Bad News…  but it is different….

Man!!!!  It fucking hurts your heart like you didn’t know your heart could be hurt.

It hurts like you could never imagine.

It hurts like you can’t explain – even to all those who say “I know, I know” – really if you knew, you would shut the fuck up….  you just don’t know….

It still hurts – when you least expect it it hurts more.  It is a new you, this hurt.

But, we survive it.

Why?

Because only when you know ‘In the Heart Bad News’ do you understand.  Not that it is fair, not that it is unfair, not that it will get better, not that ‘time heals all wounds’…. but, that you have experienced it, like so many before you, the only understanding you get about it, is the understanding of it…..  You don’t have to talk about it, you can, but if someone hasn’t experienced it, then no explanation is possible.

Plus after a while you don’t need to talk to others about it, as you know it, in your heart….,

You mentioning it, and them nodding, is a game of pretending to know;  but, for you it is a time machine, to the instance of that bad news, and you live through it, again…  and you survive again….  it is in your heart, forever.

I can’t explain it to some of you – and to others no explanation is necessary.

Don’t try and understand bad news that is not yours: spare you platitudes, you offers of help, your condolences, your hand patting – don’t look towards me, but, when I really need you, put your back to me, shelter me, and give me your protection to grieve….

Nod as you leave, I’ll nod back – that’s enough.

Todays Challenge:

Pick three friends or family members you see regularly.  View their actions and gestures through a positive lens, assuming their goodness and witnessing their best intentions.

Oh God!  I read this in the morning and realised that day 13 really is unlucky…  Don’t misunderstand me I love being judgemental (but in a positive way) and assuming goodness and best intentions – Please can you make it harder for today….!!!!!

No only that but as I am writing down my daily challenges, does that mean to follow them through, with the best and most honest intentions I have, single out three friends or family….  What if they don’t want that or more importantly someone else gets miffed because they thought I should have picked them?

Thinking… thinking… thinking…. which I had an entire day to do, prior to writing this.

Okay, I should pick my wife, but, I have three kids and she has two, the maths doesn’t work – someone close to me misses out…  Okay, go to friends.  Do I have a best friend – yes?  But do they know that and what about the others who think they are my best friend?  What if I write about someone who is not my best friend, saying they are my best friend, knowing that my best friend will realise I am doing it to make my not-best friend happy, but they both get confused and come to my house, and a fight starts, and they become best friends against me and beat me up and I have to go into hospital and get a catheter….

Being grateful is very risky.  Plus, I am not a real ‘best of intentions’ ‘ give them the benefit of the doubt’ type guy,  although there is a friend of mine, not my best friend – or maybe he is, who uses the phrase ‘But, there is no malice in the guy…?’  This is a phrase that has often made me look a people quite differently – yes, they may be stupid, misdirected, careless, etc etc… but, without malice there, I think, I can always find  forgiveness or at the very least a measure of understanding.

Perhaps I don’t need to pick any of my friends or family, but just look at things generally by:

• using a positive lens to look at things
• assuming goodness
• witness best intentions

So today has ended and I have not really fulfilled my ‘Gratitude Challenge’ – I have not identified the anointed three…

But, today, I have received a little bit of bad news…. and I have accepted that ….

(I am working on a separate blog post called “Better at Accepting Bad News” but haven’t written it yet so can’t make a link – although if there is a link when you are  reading this I have done it, twice…?)

In consideration of the above, I looked at things today through a positive lens (much to my wife’s surprise!), I assumed that there was a resemblance of goodness in the repercussions of my bad news and… I know we are not sorted yet with my bad news but, I am sure that the best intentions of everyone will ensure a good outcome… somehow….

Todays Challenge:

Today, make the effort to live life with a positive outlook.  Restrain from criticising the people around you.  Dare to see the glass half full.  Listen more than you speak.  Give freely of yourself.  Practice kindness at every opportunity.

Okay, so apparently today I am multitasking by:

• Being Positive
• Non critical
• Having a Full Glass (sorry did that yesterday and I’m still paying! – Pass – AFD!)
• Listening
• Giving Freely
• Being kind

After reading this in the morning I thought the best bet was to lock myself in a cupboard.  But, surely these are things we should be doing everyday?  An interesting part of this gratitude challenge in making ‘observations’ – this is not only of yourself but of those around you.

What is more interesting is the ‘default’ setting that your mind finds itself in when you are making these observations…  usually accompanied by mental phrases such as:

“Arsehole”
“Dickhead”
“Why me?”
“No, I wont”
“Stop Talking”

Well, maybe not everyone has these ‘default’ settings, or maybe they do but just don’t notice.  Noticing is really the hardest part.

I didn’t venture out much today so was relatively safe from my ‘default’ setting behaviour – but, it is not the behaviour that was troubling me (never really has – which probably is a reasonably good definition of an ‘arsehole’) but it was the thoughts that lead to that behaviour that are just “bang” there.

So a lot of the day I was grateful that I saw that my default settings were not on the above list (the first list) and that by noticing I actually realised I didn’t really think, feel or want that default setting – I wonder how you hard wire that?

I finished the day, pretty grateful and happy with how things had gone – it is usually a pretty dangerous place in my head, and I usually don’t go there alone, but, today I found that a lot of things I thought were carved in stone were in fact just written on my mental white board and can very easily be ignored (like a OHS lecture notes) or rubbed out with a soft cloth
– but, I am sure someone sneaks in during the night and scribbles them back up again with a crudely drawn picture of a penis…..  Maybe it’s me?

Todays challenge was “To pick one of your five senses to focus on each day.  Take note of how many gifts come to you via a single port of entry.  Write about this experience.”

So, now I don’t only have to see what is right in front of me but I have to listen to it, smell it, touch it and then lick it, really!

I just couldn’t do a day on each – firstly I like to notice, but not too much and some things I don’t want to see; secondly because I can listen to a lot of shit and tolerate it, doesn’t mean i can do it all day; I can smell something is wrong, so probably wouldn’t hang around (we are not even talking about farts here…); touching things all day will probably get me arrested; there are lots of things I would lick and there are a lot of things that licking, especially in public could be problematic….

So, as I have decided that I will follow the calendar with only one thing a day (that was the original deal – I think the pledge I signed wouldn’t stand up in court over this one by the way!) – I think having to double up on being grateful for the next 4 days after today, is stretching the friendship and our legally binding contract.  So, today I decided to on the hour, wherever I was I would concentrate on one sense for one minute (I actually wrote it all down in a little sheet I made in my diary but noticed when I scanned it in you can’t read it so I will do a quick transcription):

0700 See
The morning light through the window woke me up – better than any alarm!

 

0800 Hear
The birds in our front yard when I was having a coffee outside – I even heard their wings!

 

0900 Touch
When I was meditating a breeze came (really slight) and it was cool and refreshing…

 

1000 Smell
That second cup of coffee!!!  (PS: I can still hear the birds!)

 

1100 Taste
Okay, bad one!  I had a cigar and it was wonderful (deadly… but…) (Sorry to all my sense – but I really enjoyed it and took my time)  Perhaps I am grateful that they are not illegal?

 

1200 See
I looked around my office wher I was doing my blog:  I saw the sun outside through the window and shed window – and decided to go out there.  it was better.

 

1300 Hear
We were just at our house in Berri and next door at the Berri Club was the kids Christmas party – I noticed above everything else the laughter of the kids playing – nothing like it.

 

1400 Touch
I had to move a heavy water feature at the house – strained to lift it and move it around on the sack truck – I liked the feeling of using my muscles – maybe not tomorrow!

 

1500 Smell
Getting hot outside and I walked down the block at home and smelt that summer hot ecalyptus smell that is only in the Aussie bush – grateful for living in the country.

 

1600 Taste
Time for a really cold cider – glass/ice/really cold – how do they make it so cheap and taste so good!!!!

 

1700 See
On the deck.  Noticed the shimmering of the heat haze coming from the fence – never noticed in before in living her almost 12 months…

 

1800 Hear
Grateful for the quite of the country – just sitting, having a cider, taking a moment…

 

1900 Touch
The cold ice (getting another cider) – ice in the Aussie summer – it is a miracle – grateful.

NB:  It is at about this time in my notes that my handwriting starts to deteriorate a little and my observations become a little more abstract….

 

2000 Smell
The ashtray smells – grateful I emptied it!!!

 

2100 Taste
Cider time!!!  How do they make it taste so good…

I only made my little time line go until 9.00 pm which probably is a good thing.  I wrote this the next morning, hence the late post – I was grateful I didn’t die from a hangover.

I hope tomorrows challenge is easier and doesn’t involve so much drinking….

Todays little challenge was to take a picture of one thing, person, place or specific moment that makes you feel grateful.

So here they are – one was not really enough!

Grateful for my new shed

I have a new shed and a concrete floor!!!

The build for the new house has been a long haul… but we are close now and I am grateful that I am able to do this with my wonderful wife.

Grateful for rusty steel

Rusty Steel!

I am grateful that there is just heaps of rusty steel lying around up here.  I’m gunna build stuff!

Grateful at Loch Luna

Sugarloaf Hill at Loch Luna, Barmera.

I climbed up to the top of the hill and stood where my Dad’s quarry used to be… good memories.  For those memories, the break in the weather when I was there today (smoking like my Dad did!) – for these things I am grateful.

Grateful at Lake Bonney

The peace of the river (well in this shot lake Bonney)

Often we don’t see what is right in front of us – no matter how big it is.

I took a moment today and just sat there.  I am grateful for that moment and the place I was able to spend it.

Well, a picture is supposed to say a 1000 words….  I think, that thinking is more important than words – and thinking that you are grateful for things, feeling it, experiencing it, and most of all acknowledging it … there are not enough words.

Funny how in taking these pictures, I had to actually look around me to figure out what I was grateful for….  How ironic that most of the things were right in front of me all the time? The photograph is a nice reminder – the knowledge that each photograph was taken, not for the image, but for the feeling, was like having the best filter, ever.

Todays little challenge was to call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and let them know how much you appreciate them.

So I made a few calls.  Actually I made a few calls yesterday and I will probably make a few calls tomorrow…..

I also popped a couple of little notes, and not so little letters in the post to people I know would appreciate receiving them.

One of the things I always think about when I am writing letters is a mental picture I have of when the people receive them – I suppose this is the main reason I write them.  And I always mention that it is okay that they don’t write back, because most don’t, and it really is okay by me.

I haven’t got much else to write today as I am a bit tired as I have found that one thing about this little ‘Gratitude Challenge’ is that it generally makes you feel a little more positive about most other stuff.  For me it has also made me not react to the shit that floats past me during the day.  So, I am a little tired because in being that little bit more positive you get more stuff done – and that makes you tired, but it is a good tired….