Category Archives: Better Now

Use for the daily ‘being a better man’ activities

Better the News and Kids on Bikes

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I have spent most of the afternoon trawling through the latest news reports and it just makes me sad.  So much hate and death and hate.

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We are sitting in our caravan at the Port Vincent Foreshore Caravan Park where I have come for holidays with my kids for the last 12 years. This year was what I hope is the beginning of the resurgence (after the teenage years of, I hate you, I hate this, I hate that – plus I know everything!) with the kids coming back with their respective boyfriends. Plus we had the most wonderful friends also come and hang out.

I am reading the news, and not knowing if I am angry or just sad…..  and a little kid rides past our caravan on their overly pink bike, oversized helmet, and I hear one yell out to another “I can’t remember your name, but this is fun anyway!”

pink_kids_bike_helmet_and_bike Our friends have gone home and some kids have gone home but one is still camping with her boyfriend and texting me stories of their fishing and camping. I just texted her and said it was like old times and she replied “It was like old times and we loved it!!!”

I read the news while I listen to the squeals of joy of the kids riding by on their bikes – plus the ‘family world series of cricket’ on the road out the front. I smile thinking about my daughter in the tent, in the wind, in the rain cooking the squid they caught after learning how to clean it on YouTube!

The world is mental and full of hate and pain; but it is also wonderful.

I now know why my wife writes her blog www.beatcancerwithjoy.com, but some days it is hard to find…  and some days it is just out the front of your caravan….

Better Blog

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It has been just over two years since I started my blog.  In that time I have posted 82 times and put other ‘stuff’ on 22 pages.

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Thanks to the 65 comments I have received.

In total I have had almost 4000 visits with some posts more popular than others – Better with Richie got me my all time daily record of 185 visits! (Thanks Richie! – I hope it got you a date!).

I look back over the last two years posts and realise sometimes I was on a roll and other times, rereading them, I just roll my eyes.  But, I decided toScreen shot 2015-01-13 at 1.36.05 PM leave them all there as I wrote about in Better at Time Machines, as it was what it was, at the time I wrote it.  My first ever post was just three words and some of my latest do have a tendency to ramble a bit!  I think I am learning that writing is a lot like other things, practice, practice, practice – unfortunately in doing this with a blog, all your ‘bad shots’ are recorded along with those ‘winning strokes.’  For me it has also been about actually doing it!  I am sure we all have projects and ideas that we were, or are still going to get around to doing one day and for me this was writing and having a web page blog (not just Facebook posts with pictures of my dinner!).

I also heard that all successful ‘artists’ are prolific, so sitting down everyday and doing something towards your ‘art’ was an imperative step towards being successful – or at least giving it your best shot.

In line with the above it had been my intention to write a blog post everyday for 2015 – but, I noticed that hits to my site were dropping off and I was actually ‘forcing’ posts I was writing instead of writing them with a feverish urgency as I just ‘had to’ record what I was thinking.

So, as much as I want to write more this year, I hope I can write with some quality, entertainment, even fun, and sometimes an important or profound conglomeration of words?

It sometimes feels lonely, scary, embarrassing and exposed to be writing in such a public forum – so, I just want to say I hope you enjoy what I write – and thanks for hanging around.

Of course, all of this is about me working on the one project that never seems to go away, never seems to be finished and the plans are constantly being redrawn – being a better man.

Even if my writing is sometimes not the best – I can still work on being better at it, and, being better at my life.

All a work in progress…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better Judgement

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I have spent a lot of my life judging people – unfortunately one of my responsibilities in a previous job was to ‘assess’ people at work – I had to judge them.

How do we do this – how did I do this?Screen shot 2015-01-11 at 11.49.23 AM

I used a ‘behavioural and analytical capabilities’ list of attributes in assessing staff and students.

This was later changed and modified in line with modern (read trendy) ’employability skills’ that were required for a job which was in addition to any technical skills in doing it.  This new method, which I thought was quite fair, involved observed behaviours under a series of headings.  This was supposed to prevent the assessment of ‘he has a bad attitude’ or ‘we didn’t like him/her.’  It was about observable behaviour – or the facts.  (If anyone is interested in me writing about the other 9 employability skills I developed and used – let me know and I will include them in future posts and perhaps make a ‘business reference’ section to my site).

It was also about assessing someone in preparation for how they would behave actually doing the job.  The example I always use it that imagine you have a guy (or girl) who is a skilled, talented carpenter that can make anything with precision – yet, they disrupt the workplace, jack up management, have a tendency to be a bully – and generally can’t get along with people – even to the point it doesn’t mater what the customer ordered they make it their way as that is the best way.  Skilled, yes; do I want to employ them, no; this is the basis of ’employability skills’.  I suppose a lot of businesses now do some form of psychological testing, but in a previous job the psychologist was madder than most of us!

But, the assessment of these ’employability skills’ can not be subjective and must be objective and open to testing and scrutiny – hence, something that is based only on observable, quantifiable, recorded and perhaps even sustained behaviour (after all we are all allowed the occasional bad day – just not involving assaults, guns or death!)

One of the headings under the employability skills I used was Judgement.

The general description was:

This employability skill involves balancing big picture thinking with a focus on the ‘here and now’ ensuring adequate deliberation without delaying decision making, considering the broader impact, achieving compromise, making impartial, informed decisions and using intellect in the decision making process.

These sort of ‘trendy worded’ motherhood statements are of course a great reason to shit-can someone you don’t like – or to promote/employ your mate. The entire paragraph is open to interpretation.

So, with any observable thing you have to be able to record what you observe – plus it is good to know what you are looking for or equally important what they are not doing.

The observable behaviour to indicate good or bad judgement I used were:

  • Understands information which may impact upon long term goals or directions.
  • Pulls together ideas, issues and observations in order to reach a conclusion.
  • Recognises patterns between current data and past situations by observing discrepancies, trends and interrelationships, bringing a fresh approach to recurring problems.
  • Uses sound judgement in selecting a course of action for goals by logically weighing up alternatives.
  • Uses information systems and technology to effectively problem solve.
  • Supports calculated risk taking.
  • Demonstrates a solution focus.
  • Evaluates strengths, accuracy and quality of decisions.
  • Identifies weaknesses of approach, inaccuracy of detail and ineffective decisions.
  • Takes corrective action by identifying a more effective approach, process or outcome.
  • Accepts responsibility and accountability for decisions.

I found that there is nothing better in helping people (read helping them, not shit canning them!) become better at just about any task, than to actually be able to give them examples and explain what they did wrong or more importantly what they did right.

e.g: (using one of the above ‘observable behaviours’)

“John (fictional character), In looking at your performance lately it would appear that you are having some difficulty in making appropriate judgement calls.  In a recent matter things were going off track through no fault of your own, yet it appeared you were not able to take the appropriate corrective actions to solve the problem and work towards a more effective approach.  What can we do to improve you ability to show good judgement in these circumstances in the future”

 

Or (and better – see my post on Better an Appreciative Question)

 

“John (fictional character – not related to the John above who is a bit of a fuck up!), In looking at your performance lately you have made some good judgement calls.  In a recent matter things were going off track through no fault of your own, yet you were able to take the appropriate corrective actions to solve the problem and work towards a more effective approach.  Tell us the process you used for this as I think it is a real attribute you have and could help the company and other employees in the future.”

Of course all the appropriate detail regarding what the ‘problem’ was and the specific observations made should be included.

I think any assessment, judgement of anyone must be a matter of facts.

The old adage of ‘not telling a book by it’s cover’ is easy to agree with but often hard to do, when we first have to get rid of our own prejudices, first impressions, rumours, personal preferences and most of all deciding to treat someone the way we would like to be treated ourselves.

Of course this takes into account that we all can’t be astronauts and some people will only need to learn the phrase “do you want fries with that” to lead a happy and productive life.  But, we have to stop promoting people to their highest level of incompetence – even if they are our friend or a friend of a much higher friend, or their, God forbid, a boy/girl friend of a friend!)  Likewise the person we don’t like may actually be the best person for the job and our only real worry is that their next promotion is actually into our job.

Judgement is about observation and objectivity, not subjectivity and suspicion.

Judgement is also about practicing judgement, learning that we are doing it on facts and observations and nothing else.

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I have previously written in Better at Scams that ‘intiution’ can play a part in the reasons we ‘feel’ that something is right, or in the scam situation wrong; but, is it something we should act on – probably yes, as intuition if used properly, has said to us this needs a bit more looking at – that’s when we seek the facts.  Most times you will find that you were right (or at least something was different to how at first glance it was perceived – the cover of the book always gets us!)
It might be that feeling, that inkling, which makes us think:
– That CV just looks too good…
– I like them, but…
– I don’t like them, why…
This is intuition, working with judgement, not instead of it.
I suppose I am all in favour of the ‘better person’ getting the job, the promotion, the opportunity, but this so often does not seem to be the case.
I also think no-body likes being judged, but there are just circumstances in life where this happens – it is just easier to accept, when we know we have been treated fairly in a way that can be explained to us.
Being the judge or being judged is always a big judgement call –  business is always business, but sometimes it is the better man who realises it is more about the people than positions (or especially the politics).

 

 

Better give up Hope

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I heard a comment the other day (okay, I can’t remember where – maybe the voices in my head!) that faith and hope are the same thing.49-29588_Tin_Plaques_Faith_Hope

The comment stuck in my head and yesterday when the wheel fell off of our caravan (literally) on the way to a much anticipated family holiday; hope was what I had when I started ringing around to try and get it fixed as quick as possible.

As a side issue, most of the ‘caravan repairers’ were really helpful and all but one could get us in for repairs in the first week of February – the other one had nothing open until March!!!!

I started to lose hope when I started thinking about hope.

I wrote in my post Better Giving Presents about what I had received from my Mum, I had received:

FAITH
It came in so many parts, and we had to put it together ourselves.

 

I found a very small box in the back of the cupboard, which I had lost a few times over the years, but you kept finding it for me.  It was HOPE.

 

Even I differentiated between faith and hope in the above.  I did a bit of a Google search and waded through a few phylosophy and religious sites and other than being more confused (and having to look up too many words in the dictionary) I decided, as I usually do, it’s all about me, so what do I really think.

I thought about it and decided….

Hope is rubbish – hope is like fear (see Fear is Not Real) it is a feeling, although it probably is a positive one, it is a false one, it is a feeling about something that is not happening now and may never happen – e.g. I hope I will the lottery!

Faith is something you have NOW.

This faith cannot be about things that have not happened or may never happen – faith just is – it is not based, nor does it have to be on anything other than what you are feeling right now.  Faith is always a Yes No question and answer – if it’s a maybe, then it is not faith.

I thought about a few Yes No things in my life that I don’t hope about, I just know right now they exist – I have faith:

  • I love my wife, she loves me
  • God exists
  • My kids are okay
  • Possessions don’t matter
  • I will die
  • Life really is wonderful
  • I know who my real friends are

I could go on, as I usually do, but I think you get the idea.

I want to hope for things, people, countries, even myself and family, but it is a waste of ‘feelings’ – it is a wish.

I hope I pass my last exam.
I have faith I will pass my exam as I did the work and studied hard.

The one thing about something not turning out that you hoped for is that to a certain extent it abrogates the responsibility onto someone else – faith is all about you.

I have commented before that I do not, read do not, believe in the power of 300px-Albrecht_Dürer_-_Praying_Hands,_1508_-_Google_Art_Projectprayer. (see a full ramble about what I believe at the page My Religion) To me it is the ultimate religious scape goat where faith and hope get confused and adulterated for the purpose of religion.  To me it is a logical conclusion that prayer is pointless as we were given one thing, the most important thing – free will.  If God controls everything and knows everything that is going to happen then free will is a myth – logically then so is prayer!

As Des would say “God is a black lesbian, as no man would be so cruel!”

I don’t think God is cruel – we have free will so we already have everything we need we just have to work it out (without praying for divine intervention – as there isn’t any).

Leave the ants in the ant farm long enough and they will eventually build a Space Shuttle.

So, hope, wishing, has nothing to do with faith – the ultimate faith is that it is all hear and it is up to us to do something good, better, with it.

Better at Flying Helicopters

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In a post a while ago (Better Experience the Presents) I told the story of how we give ‘experiences’ to our kids for Christmas instead of presents – the experience lasts a lifetime (not like the screen on an iPhone!) and when we talk about what happened the Christmas before, all the kids remember the ‘experience’ but not anything else they may have received (which by the way, considering the cost of some of the experiences, is not much!).

This year we all went on a helicopter ride at Lyndoch (see their site at : http://www.barossahelicopters.com.au/ or Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/BarossaHelicopter) – we got a great special including the ride, a glass of wine (after!) and a small picnic snack.  Plus the property the rides are on and the facilities, are fantastic (the staff were also friendly and helpful – real customer service!)Screen shot 2015-01-05 at 9.23.32 PM

The ride wasn’t very long, but it was an experience!

We had a female helicopter pilot who had been flying for 9 years and it was her families’ business – it was pretty cool.  As we took of and flew around I notices our pilot, who was talking to us at the time (I got to wear a real pilots headset and felt like “Maverick” in Top Gun), was manipulating both hands, on different controls and both feet on separate pedals.  I asked her if she was even conscious of the little movements she was making to keep us steady and going the way we were supposed to?  That’s when she told us she had been flying for nine years and a lot of it was natural but, she was always conscious of the helicopters movements, the wind, the speed, the height etc etc.  I watched her for a lot of the flight fascinated at her natural and obviously skilled ability.  Our touch down was perfect (as was the take off – we were in the air before I really knew it) and it was a great experience.

I told the kids after our flight and theirs about all the hand eye co-ordination by our pilot.  Later on the way home we were talking about driving and how even when I was conscious (and even looking) at my hands on the steering wheel I was making little movements and counter movements to keep the car going straight – I, unlike the helicopter pilot only had a few controls, but, like the helicopter pilot was subconsciously making these adjustments – I was actually fascinated by my hands moving as I wasn’t really consciously doing it even when I was looking at them and paying attention.

I remembered, and reminded the kids when they were learning to drive, how they would jerk the wheel back and forth just to keep the car in a straight line – I was later speaking to a mate and he said he didn’t move his hands – I said have a look next time you drive.

I have tried to teach the kids how to drive.  We went on country roads and I even got them to drive into the dirt with 2 wheels and then get back onto the bitumen to know what it feels like.

I got to thinking as I do….

The helicopter pilot and us driving our cars is a lot like how we go about our days.  We make the little adjustments, often without thinking about them.  It might be to take the kids somewhere they only advised you about 2 minutes before, even though they have known about it for weeks – of course, this is just as you were about to get into the shower or have that glass of wine after work…. or it might be taking that phone call from a friend, and you listening for half an hour, when you really just want to finish reading your book…. Or a 1000 other little interruptions in your daily life….. it’s all about the adjustments.Screen shot 2015-01-05 at 9.21.24 PM

Sometimes we get a gust of wind, or we run our wheels into the dirt but if we have practiced, perhaps if we were taught right in the first place,  and perhaps if we take the time occasionally to notice our life, we are able to take these things in our stride and make the adjustments – some big, some small, some we just do without thinking.

It is occasionally good to notice the little adjustments we are making (remember to watch you hands next time you are driving!) and perhaps say, I reckon I am doing alright and have a bit of skill here, that I didn’t notice before – you are allowed to occasionally be proud of yourself.

The little adjustments are perhaps like trying to be a better man – you are doing it, but don’t always notice.

Better as the World Goes On – Life

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I am getting an early start to my day and organising all the ‘stuff’ that has to be done in any ‘normal’ day.

Is it a normal day.

A couple of weeks ago my friend Des and my Mum passed away.
Today and yesterday and the day before bush fires rampaged (I got that word off the media) through the Adelaide Hills.

All devastating, catastrophic, scary, tragic, terrible……

Then I realised I had to book my car in for a service – I managed to get an appointment for today – I was happy and relieved as we leave for our annual family holiday to York Peninsula on Wednesday.  I hadn’t had time to do it before because…. well, life got in he way.

Then I realised life just goes on.life-goes-on

In 2004 (really, 10 years ago!) was the Boxing Day Tsunami in the Indian Ocean killing 230,000 people – ten years ago, how many car services have there been since then?

Today people in the Adelaide Hills are facing another day of fear, perhaps loss and our firefighters, Police, SES, volunteers are all working in risky situations. (By the way, I’ve seen more humanity, bravery, compassion and charity during these fires than I have all year – and barely a political or sporting ‘hero’ to be seen)

And…… Life goes on.

I suppose each day is a new day and as Des would say ‘We’re still here.’

The world does go on and perhaps when times are tough we feel our own pain and in that pain notice (often to our amazement!) that the world goes on despite our pain – actually almost in spite of our pain!

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It all Reminded me of a quote from the movie The Shawshank Redemption “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

This is a just quick post, as I have to feed the cat.

 

Better with Richie

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I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful group of friends (except the ones who ask me to help them do stuff – see Friday’s post – Better at Obligations).

I also have this group of friends who are around my age (early 50’s) who are single.

I just don’t get it.

Yeah, there are a couple of them (both men and women) who I would not wish on my worst enemy or friend – but, the majority are people who I think, why are you single, does the world, or that special individual, know who you really are?

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Which gets me to the point of this post; let me tell you about my friend Richie.

Richie is 50 years old, actually has a very good job, owns his own home in the city, cooks and is about the only mate who I let help me with stuff – because Richie is one of those guys who actually (really) know’s stuff.  Plus, every time I spend time with Richie, I learn stuff about him where I go “WTF”.  Just as a bit of an example, I have known Richie for 15 years and learned the following things about him in the last 15 months:

  • Richie’s qualifications are, he is boilermaker welder (though that wasn’t enough so did structural steel enginering – he said he did this as he was interested!), he then wanted to know more, so did degrees in accounting and engineering… but, he was still interested and did Certificate IV’s in metal trade, basic business, crime scene investigation and upholstery (He did this obviously because he was interested!)
  • Richie is a single Dad who looks after his three kids after his wife left him after 22 years because she didn’t want to be married anymore – he gets not maintenance.  One of his kids is autistic – he’s 22 and I think he is a great bloke, like his Dad (and because of his Dad).
  • Richie likes pistol shooting and hunting – but does all his hunting in vermin control with National Parks and Wildlife – and, he also volunteers in helping them out with wildlife surveys and conservation projects.
  • Richie is friendly – he just gets on with people and can have a conversation with anyone.
  • Richie is funny and laughs (genuinely laughs with you not at anyone!).
  • I found out today that Richie went for his pilots licence a few years ago but realised he didn’t have time – Really!!!!
  • Richie helps people (even those that don’t pay him back).

I don’t get it – why aren’t women chasing Richie?

Okay, Richie was married for 22 years and can do with some assistance with his wardrobe (I told him to not wear those sandals – even though they are sold in ‘outdoor’ shops and are supposed to be rugged!).  I also told him to stop appearing so desperate (and I don’t think this is even a fault – but over exuberant – surely that’s not a fault?) – but, he just wants someone to share his unique, interesting, funny, fun, caring, giving life with.

So this post is really about Richie, but it is also about all those good people out there who are looking for love.  When I say love I mean love – I am sure, and know that a lot of my friends in this boat don’t want another ‘special friend’ who says your wonderful – like a brother/sister!  I know before I met my wife I thought I was going to live a pretty lonely life and the best I could hope for was to meet another woman who hates me and give her a house!

But, I think it is out there for all of us – it just has to come at the right time, and we have to be prepared for the surprise appearance and perhaps allowing someone to come into our safe life – we may actually have to take a chance.

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Bearing in mind in todays world, or more to the point the world that the mediathrow at us everyday on the TV, internet and in the newspapers, people are often scared that something is not what it seems and the most likely outcome is that I well get ‘hurt’ – or what the media really want you to think, ripped off, maimed, mutilated, murdered – and of course it will be a catastrophe and devastating – but no problem there is always a ‘hero’, usually a sporting one!

Richie is a better man and continues to be better and better – I am a bit old for mentors, but if I had to have a list of role models and multi-mentors, Richie would get picked up in the first round – just don’t wear those sandals!

Maybe being a better man is knowing there are better men out there and being happy that they are prepared to hang around with you – and perhaps teach you some stuff.

Better the Scorpion

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I thought I would write a post not about nature or nurture but about what really drives us and is one of my favourite subjects: values. (Click here to go to my values page which has a ‘self test’ about values you might want to try!)

First off though, I need to tell a story.  It is a ‘fable’ which has been around for ages but is a little hard to find the origin of – look it up on Wikipedia and it doesn’t really help.  That’s not the point, anyway:

A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river as the scorpion couldn’t swim. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, both would sink and both would drown. The frog sees the logic in this and agrees to carry the scorpion across the river on his back. About midway across the river the scorpion goes, BANG! and stings the frog, dooming them both. With the frog’s last breath before he goes under paralysed from the scorpions sting, he says “Why did you do that, now we’re both going to die.”  the scorpion replies “Because it’s in my nature. You knew I was a scorpion when you picked me up.”

I suppose this fable is one close to my heart as I am a bit like the scorpion.  No, who’s kidding who here – I am the scorpion.

The trick is not stinging the frog, when you really, really, really want to.

To me (remember trying to be a better man) I find it hard not to sting as a matter of reflex (remember it’s in my nature) especially dealing with all the dick heads in the world!  (See my post on 6 Percenters – they are really hard not to sting!)

But……

Most of the time going with my nature doesn’t turn out all that well and often (usually always!) makes me feel worse at the end of it.

As the sting is a reflex, I go back to the advice of my old mate Bob Kearney  when dealing with difficult people and situations:

“Don’t just do something, stand there!”

Yeah, you’re right it is a twist on an old saying (if you didn’t get the twist, read it again!).  But, it is the twist that stops instinct taking over from both nature, nurture, rules, common sense and most of all fear (even though fear is not real – click here to read about that!).

Bob would say that in that ‘moment’ you are standing there, consciously thinking about the situation you are in, you can then make a decision which is a response not a reaction.  Bearing in mind that ‘moment’ may be a nano-second in an emergency or a longer period if you have the time – it could be years in a marriage!!!

What happens is the below fundamental realisations come about from just standing there:

  1. I am thinking – not reacting (although this is a bad idea if you are getting chased by something that may be about to eat you – I recommend thinking really fast! – forget it, flight of fight just kicked in!)
  2. I will make a decision which is best for me.
  3. In a short time I wont care about this.

I go through this process on an almost daily basis when receiving todays version of ‘customer service’.  I used to ‘sting’ a lot – especially when I get asked “Are you right!”  Oh, I stung a lot!

Now….. being calm, just standing there…. greeting the morning sun…. I do that….. I just stand there….. (I try not to let my eyes glaze over too much or they might think I am having a stroke!)  Eventually they will say something along the lines of “Excuse me can I help you”  Then I ‘wake up’ and start to engage with them as if nothing has happened.  But this is usually not the end….. Eventually they will call back from the pie warmer getting my highly anticipated Vilies Pie the statement, “SAUCE!” and it all starts over again.

I think we all have something in our nature that we have to fight on a daily basis – it may be the sting or it may even be the reaction of always giving in or worse of all, being oblivious to our lives.

I said at the start of this post that it wasn’t about nature or nurture yet this is probably the reason we are reacting in a certain way – but – our values dictate if we allow our behaviour to continue once we notice (or someone brings it to our attention – how embarrassment!)

It all just takes a bit of concentration and being aware of where we are and what’s happening around us at that moment.  I reckon it is living a ‘mindful’ life by noticing that we are actually here, now.

The mindful man, the better man, the better person, the person who has noticed their life must often resist the temptation to follow their nature (even if that prick really, really, really, really deserves it – SAUCE!)

 

 

 

Better at Obligations

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If you were wondering if I was going to come around and help you move, or paint the house, of do that paving, or…. well just about anything, the answer is, no.

I don’t go and help people do their stuff and I don’t ask people to help me.  I have arranged the most complex pulley systems, leavers, counterweights and just plain anvilslogged it out alone rather than ask ‘a mate’ for help.  If I do ask for help (I may be pinned under an engine block for example…) I just  can’t get over the feeling of obligation in ‘returning the favour.’  Owing a days work is like spending time until I pay it back carrying an anvil of obligation around my neck (anvils are really heavy…)

Why?

I dont like the ‘obligation’ surrounding ‘helping out’.

It is strange considering that my core values are: Service, Integrity, Loyalty and Knowledge.  I think I should have a look at those in relation to the anvil.

SERVICE

To me service is a selfless thing.  It is doing something for the greater good or the good of the individual who can’t do it for themselves.  Yeah, I would clean out the gutters of the old bloke down the street who can’t do it for themselves and not expect anything in return – other than that feeling that comes from genuinely doing something good for no other reason than it is something good.  I don’t donate too much to charity but when I do I prefer it to be big.  Also, I donate to those I can trust (I do my research – especially when I read in the news the other day that one charity only donates 1% – yes read that – ONE PERCENT – of all money collected to the cause it is raising money for!  The rest goes on administration, running costs and wages!) and I never donate to the ‘Harry-died-of cancer-so-we-made-a-new-charity-to-remember-him-fund’ as they just set up an entire new set of admin which chews into the money collected – wouldn’t it be better to remember Harry by actually making sure all money goes to the cause?

So is this base value of mine really about service.  Yes.  But that service has to be for the right reason and for the right cause.  I easily walk away from anything I am involved in if I think those involved are serving themselves rather than the actual cause – it is hard to find too many that aren’t doing this in one way or another – either organisationally (see any business, charity or corporation that has a HR or publicity department!) or the individuals that are within it, being only in it for them and not in the alturistic way.

I am reviewing my ‘service’ definition as it is easy to talk about it a lot and donate the occasional buck – but surely true service is selfless, serving those who really do serve and coming out the other end a better person from within.

I think I might volunteer (as soon as I fill in all the forms and get my Police clearance and deal with the despot running the show….)

INTEGRITY

I just love integrity.  Have a look at a few definitions about it and then think about what you have done in the past and will do in the future.  I have lied for my family and friends and would probably do it again – is that integrity thing now gone forever.

I once defined integrity as doing the right thing when nobody is watching – however, in todays world I had to put the caveat on it, that integrity is NOT doing the right thing because somebody might be watching!

Plus, I am sure that there are a whole lot of different religions and ideologies that have differing definitions of integrity that have been developed.  Maybe in some places you can be a little bit pregnant just like you can have varying degrees of integrity. Really.  How do you measure someones integrity – I’ve been caught using my mobile phone in the car but never caught stealing – is it because I have never stolen anything or just never been caught  – you might think it’s just because I’ve never been caught.  I am the only one who knows.  Or should my integrity be tested by increasing levels of temptation until I just can’t resist anymore and don’t pay for the chocolate on the HR or Publicity Department front counter – why did ‘Lion Mints’ disappear from counters everywhere – the honour system didn’t seem to quite work out over the long run.  In a world of thieves (or mobile phone users in cars) is the honest man the one without integrity because they are not doing what is expected?

Integrity is within but only ever tested externally – or depending on your beliefs at some later stage after death or never.  I think the greatest test for integrity is in your heart, working on the fact that you have one with the same values, beliefs, ideologies, up bringing, social circumstances, religion, income and opportunity as me.

I think I might have to cross this one of my list.

LOYALTY

Now we’re talking.  Something every Australian can relate to as it is all about ‘mateship’.  Or is it.  The reason I can cross (maybe) integrity off my list is that if you are loyal to your values (and of course you are not a thief) then surely integritytrity is part of that.

I wrote in a previous blog about the people I let live in my head because they pay rent (click here for a read).  It is about being loyal to those that add to your life.  But, is that loyalty boundless and unconditional.  I think not.  You can’t be loyal to a mate, a cause or a country (read Government) that goes against everything you believe in – your values.  Be under no misapprehension I will stand by my friends no matter what – but standing with them may not necessarily be agreeing with them.  Plus, it’s easy to be a friend in the good times (or when your life is not getting in the way) it is much harder to be loyal to a friend when your life is shit (or even when it is good) and you don’t what their shit on top of your shit.

Loyalty, I have decided, is always being loyal to your values.  Let’s face it a friend is a friend usually because they have the same values.

KNOWLEDGE

I have to start this part off with the ‘wisdom of Puk’ a friend of mine who with our mate Des (who passed away recently but will live on through us – read about Des in my post Better with Des Steele, my friend) often plucked (a pluck by Puk!) great wisdom from day to day life.  Puk would comment about others (and hopefully observations of others about us) that there is someone “who know stuff, about things.”

I think we all know that person and often want to be them.  A lucky few were born that way but for most of use the ‘pursuit of knowledge’ especially after we are forced to learn at school is something we have to work and and want to.

I love knowing ‘stuff’

I have just finished an indonesian course (and am doing the advanced one next year – it is on Friday nights so it has a double advantage in that I will learn Indonesian and not go out boozing on Fridays night!).  I have enrolled in a welding course next year – I just always wanted to know how to weld – I want to make stuff!

But so much of the ‘knowledge’ I possess I have learned from other people.  When I was training at work I knew that it was all a bit pointless because 80% of work skills we actually learned on the job, so I hoped my courses were designed more to make people thing and know what to learn, than to actually learn too much at all!

Most of the knowledge I have I go for free, so I think I also have an obligation (there is that word again) to give it away as well.

Also I think knowledge is about knowing yourself – the hardest subject of all.

Plus there are also those things that once you know you can’t ‘unknow’ – these are often the things that change relationships, attitudes, beliefs and even faith in others.  Knowledge is power but it is has to be the case of using that power for ‘good not evil.’  I read “Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus” twice – the first time I learned how to manipulate people the second I learned how to get along with people – it is all about how you use and share you knowledge.

Knowledge is also wonderful.  Great stories, great poems, great adventures and there is nothing better than the epiphany when you learn something new and say “You’re kidding – I never knew that” and in fact it may end a life long misbelief, prejudice or add to your life in ways you couldn’t image.

Knowledge is also a living legacy of all those that came before us on this finite journey.  Knowledge is the relay race of our species and if you don’t take the baton and run, then perhaps you are just a spectator after all.

So what about those obligations?

Where does all this Service, Integrity (still haven’t crossed that one off yet), Loyalty and Knowledge leave me with my obligations?

Simple, I wont be obliged.  I will do what I do because that is who I am: you are my friend because that is who WE are.  It is simple to not ring a friend and through that one act (over a period of time) you stop being friends – were you friends in the first place?  Twice in the last week someone has said to me friends are for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime…. it is a matter of working out does a reason really make a friendship, are you in summer, winter or are the leaves already falling (seasons can take a long time) or really, “We few, we lucky few, we band of brothers’ are really hear for life.

I will come and help you, because I know you needed me mate?   And of course I want (read, really want) your life to be better because I am in it.  I will not come and help you because I feel obliged.

So what happens when you need your friends and suddenly your life seems pretty solitary.  Firstly don’t tell yourself ‘stories’ like they don’t care about me etc etc.  Maybe their life did get in the way… maybe it was more important.  I was going to write ‘you be the judge’ but recently I realised that I judge just about everybody and everything because that is what I have always done.  It has to be just about the facts – ‘Just the facts, ma’am”!

Obligation no longer exists for me – I think that is the answer.

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It makes life easier (and considering one of my mantras is keep it simple – I think this fits with my values) but execution of a simple plan is often very hard.

But, I can keep that simple to.  If it doesn’t feel right don’t do it.

I’m sure I can be very much obliged but just not enough to be obliged.

As I said in Better with the ONLY Commodity it is all about time – how I spend my finite resource will be about actually being a better man – this may including doing your paving or helping you move, but it will always be about because of the way you made me feel not because of the feeling of obligation.

Just a final thought.

Recently I went through a sad period of my life with the loss of my mate Des and my wonderful Mum.  People, my friends (a lot who were relatives) were great.

My favourite part of this process was when someone rang and uttered those hollow words “If there is anything I can do just let me know” and I would reply, as a matter of fact there is, could you come around and wash my car or mow the lawn or clean our house or tidy my shed or run down the shops and get me a pie and a packet of smokes….. they all thought I was joking!

 

 

 

Better on the Escalator

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I try to be a better man in most things that I do – but, some things just shit me and people just shit me especially on escalators in airports.
The world is a busy place, everywhere, except on an escalator at an airport – where of course everyone is rushing.
I just don’t get it!
People run about all day, always in a hurry, driving like they are on a blood run for the haemophelic ward or concentrating on their smart phones as if they are personally advising Bill Gates.  This is all doubled at the airport where everyone is in a hurry fearful of missing the plane that they are 3 hours early for. Yet, approach the escalator and the world changes.
Just as a side issue at airports.  I like it that there are really only two sets of travellers.  Those that appear to know what they are doing and are seasoned travellers and the rest of us.  Well, I have ascertained that most of the airport is full of those only pretending that they are seasoned travellers and in fact most are really like us, but, they are just acting.  Seasoned travellers are few in a crowded airport and you have to look hard as they actually fade into the background.  The pretend seasoned traveller (hiding fear and trepidation – and using what they learned last time, and the only time, they have flown in the last 3 years!) walk with an air of I know what I am doing; but prolonged observation will see they are checking their watch, looking at the departure signs and reading every other advisory sign in an attempt to gain covert information that they can pretend that they always knew.  Also the real seasoned traveller if providing help or asked a question will be polite and advise in a quiet and helpful way – avoiding any embarrassment to you.  The pretend seasoned traveller on the other hand will often walk through the airport with their gaggle as if giving an orientation lecture to new employees and if asked a question or God forbid they offer assistance, it will be loud, it will be public and it will be with that smirk on their face that you just want to slap, but unfortunately you need to know where ‘Gate 4/B/Temporary’ is!
So back to the escalator (take the stairs if available by the way!)
On the escalators at airports the rules of the normal world of hurry, rush, push in and get there as fast as you can, no matter what, cease to exist. A new set of rules appears to apply for that 20 seconds of grid metalwork travel.
To name just a few:
  1. Notwithstanding that two seconds before they have been running, they suddenly lose sufficient coordination to undertake the transition onto a moving walkway. So they stop dead in the entrace to the escalator and take at least 3 hesitant attempts to get on. Of course the number of steps used to step on is in direct proportion to the number of people concetenering together behind like a hillbillies squeeze box.
  2. The above, is of course better performed if carrying or dragging a suitcase which appears as if they have just returned from 7 years in Tibet with Brad Pitt.  This assists with point one, as it not only entails foot step coordination but the manoeuvring of a behemoth bag in front of heaps of other people with behemoth bags all thinking your bag is stupid.
  3. Although they have been rushing before the escalator, in an individual quest to get to where ever they are going, just prior to stepping on the escalator is the time to stop and search for those you are apparently travelling with.  Point one doesn’t come into this as you stop right in the entrance to the escalator, with no actual attempt to get on, with your behemoth bag, completely blocking the entrance and turn around searching for your friends/family.  This must be done with a look of complete obliviousness to any person lining up behind you.
  4. Finally (although I could probably rave on all day!) is the escalator blocker.  Preferably travelling along, but couples are acceptable.  Walk onto the escalator (behemoth bag optional) and stand right in the middle.  The manoeuvre also involves obliviousness as in the above point to anyone who may be trying to get past.  Of course those of us banked up behind would never actually say excuse me to get passed but all stand behind annoyed and if truly escalator gifted look at other travellers for disapproval or do a bit of huffing and puffing for effect.

I have travelled interstate (I live in South Australia, Australia) where there is ‘escalator etiquette’ which I believe breaches of, are punishable by death.

Maybe, it is not worth worrying about and just part of the ups and down in life (boom, boom!)

So, do I be a better man next time I am on the escalator…. or just give them a little push.