Category Archives: Better as a Husband

when things happen with me a Jo

RUOK? – What if You Are Not?

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Well the day is almost over and I am sure many of us took the time to ask someone, RUOK – we may have well been asked ourselves.

Why are we asking today, RUOK? Is it as a platitude; a response to a very well run and important campaign…. or are we asking with full expectation of any possible answer.

Hey, are RUOK?
Well, actually I’m not….

WTF (Not the answer we were expecting….)

What now?

I often ask people RUOK and get asked a lot myself. I often call people having challenges in life; I ask RUOK on 365 days of the year…

I often tell people I call, that if ‘well meaning’ people ring up and ask if they are okay and then say “If there is anything I can do, let me know”. I tell them to reply “Well as a matter of fact there is….” (It is important that the ending of this sentence says something along the lines of….) ….. “Can you come around and wash my car?” “Can you do my washing?” “Can you come around and clean my house / wash my windows / weed the garden…. etc etc.”

And…. the silence on the line will be deafening.

Okay, this is a bit cruel (but you may get your car washed!) but, the point is by making that phone call you have already done more than most.

I have a wonderful “Band of Brothers”, my beautiful daughters and friends and family from the wider world.

I am lucky.

They ask me if I am okay all the time; and when I am okay they are proud of me; when I am not okay they are there. I don’t ask them to wash the car but they would.

I know, without a hint of doubt, embarrassment, guilt, or feelings of weakness and failure, that I can call them when I am not okay… this is their greatest gift.

For which I will be forever grateful.

So, today, on RUOK day, be that person who resolves to ring that friend, tomorrow or next week.

Then when you make that call, or drop around unexpectedly, or invite that workmate for a coffee; understand that you have already done a lot, and more than most.

When your friend, relative or workmate is not okay, know that unless you have lived it yourself, you can not understand what it is they are going through. This sounds harsh and ungrateful for all your kindness… but, unfortunately it is true…. and that is okay.

This knowledge saves you expending your efforts in trying to understand it or fix it. You can then put all of your efforts in doing the easiest and best thing… just be you.

Today, I am okay; actually nowadays, most days, I am okay.

Why?

Because when I wasn’t okay, when I was as far from okay more than I could have ever imagined; I reached out and there were the hands to hold me up, and some days they carried me, in heart, mind, spirit and body.

From their love; from their actions; and often from that phone call; laugh; a hand on the shoulder; a look and a nod; I am okay. I am thankful, grateful and humbled.

Tomorrow, or the day after, or next week, month, year, I may not by okay… and as much as I don’t want this to happen; I feel safe in it…. because, of the people in my life who ask me RUOK, or give me permission and confidence to reach out and say “I am not okay today…”

Be these people; be there, ask, or reach out. We are all doing our bit which can change the world. It can change or save a life – perhaps your own.

I believe we are all here for a purpose; it may not be too evident in those dark hours; but, I believe it is true… I think we all know it. I had to go through my darkest time to truely feel that my purpose, yet unknown, and perhaps never known, was always there.

Each day, I let go, let Go, let love, guide me. Some days those thoughts, and those thoughts alone, are enough; and some days I need others; and hopefully some days I can be there for others.

I am still here.

I am okay.

… and most days that is more than enough.

I’m a Grandfather (in training)!

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I will be a good Grandfather… because I am practicing now.

I am leaving the speed of youth behind, the success of middle age, and working towards the wisdom of a life lived fully.

I work in my shed and make things.

I write in cursive and believe reading a book is the best escape.

I already hear the shrieks of joy as they arrive at my house and the tugging of their hand as they leave.

I feel them snuggled in my lap as I read stories to them… the wonder of the poetry I recite from memory it has taken me years to learn in preparation of that moment.

I buy the stuff we shouldn’t …. from op shops and garage sales for a dollar, that none of their friends have… the curios that I tell them stories about as we fix them, paint them or repurpose them to cherished possessions.

I keep current with technology so I can connect with them no matter where their parents take them in the world… which I hope is everywhere on adventures.

I try, so late in life to learn a language so they will see the importance of communicating with the world… and so we can have our secret words and language to trick Mum and Dad…

… and in being a good Grandfather I will be a good Dad and a great Father-in-Law. 

Beers in the shed with my Son-in-Laws when life is hard, and they feel comfortable to talk about my daughters, because they know I entrusted them with their care.  Maybe a soft touch of a shoulder and saying from my heart ‘these thing happen mate’ as my Father-in-Law said to me, when he could have been harsh and dismissive.

I am practicing to be a good, no great Grandfather, as I have not always been the best man.  I am lucky, as I am still here.

I practice being a good man each day to be that great Grandfather, pop, opa, gramps, I know I can be.

I was told recently my legacy is not my possessions, any inheritance or all my documents and photos : but the legacy I leave in peoples hearts… especially those of my Grandchildren.

My Mental Health – In Times of Mind

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I has taken me a while to getting to write this post.

Because, it is important, humbling, embarrassing; but, mostly life changing.

After a major health scare in December; let’s say it for what it is, it was a brain aneurysm and I almost died. Staring the Grim Reaper in the eye a couple of times can give you a bit of a scare and be life changing!

In recovering from that, and then having massive changes in my personal circumstances, there is no other way to describe it… I broke.

A really good psychiatrist said to me there were a lot of medical terms for my condition but basically I had a ‘good old fashioned nervous breakdown.’

As my spiritual guide Russell Brand would better describe it “I was a bit fucked.”

As a result, and only through the absolute love and dedication of my ‘Band of Brothers” and my wonderful daughters, they got me the help I needed. Thank you, you saved me.

I was admitted to the “Rural and Remote Ward” a Glenside Hospital. The only experience I had in the ‘Glenside Mental Hospital’ was dropping crazy people off in my career in the Police and my old Mum often saying “If you kids don’t behave I’ll end up in Glenside!”

I was humbled and grateful for all the care and treatment I received there of several weeks as an inpatient.

Also during that time I found a little blank notebook in the bookshelf that had a floral cover and the words ‘Life is Beautiful’ printed on it. In this little book which I found by coincidence I started to write poetry.

Now those who know me and have heard me recite “Clancy of the Overflow” about 1000 times and threatened to punch me will know, I have always been a little interested in the wonders of verse and poetry. I have written a few before and love a verse or two in my homemade cards which some of you have been subjected to.

Plus I have to thank my late buddy of 30 years Des Steele for his love of poetry and it’s inclusion in many of his ‘Desisms’. (I still miss him and you can read about him in a post I did a few years ago when he passed away – click here).

So I filled this little book with poetry during my recovery. I filled that book and a few more pages since!

The poem below was the first I wrote in Glenside. It is basically the first draft, are a lot of my poems, which I don’t change in typing them up so as not to lose the moment they were written.

The poem below has recently been published on a United Kingdom site – www.theperspectiveproject.co.uk – which has a lot of works by people recovering from mental illness – worth a look I think.

So, I haven’t written here lately, largely because I have been writing in another way I love with pen and paper in cursive (much to the horror of my daughters and their inability to read cursive!)

I will include a little heading, not like this rambling, for each of my posts where I publish another poem; I may even read a few on my YouTube Channel Being a Better Man.

But, mostly I want to share my trek, as I experienced it, and wrote about it.

I will share my posts on Facebook etc (which is probably how you got here anyway) and appreciate your comments and feedback – there is a comments section on the bottom of this post and all my posts if you want to use that on this site to comment or provide feedback or suggestions.

By the way, I love doing this, it has helped a lot in my treatment and recovery. I hope you can find something for you.

Enjoy. (and No, hardly any of my poems rhyme!)

“In Times of Mind – Hope”
 
In times of mind,
Through experience,
I lose myself.
 
I see, and think, and feel,
And lose to myself.
 
I circle and dive,
I resurface;
To a confused sea.
 
I struggled against
The currents within;
And the steep mountain ahead.
 
I swim and climb; alone:
Against the winds within.
 
In the blackness,
Without light, I turn searching,
For landfall, or the smallest foothold.
 
I am alone.
 
I reach out my hand,
In one final grasp at survival.
 
…And suddenly, I feel
The grip I have been seeking.
 
I am held afloat,
A firm foot hold found,
 
It is love,
And family,
And friendship;
It was there all the time.
 
The light of the beacon,
Always shines;
My blindness was from within.
 
The light now guides me;
The light now fills me.
 
I now sail and trek forth,
In light, in love;
With hope.

Every Day Should be ANZAC Day

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I wonder how many of us went to the dawn service and commemorated the spirit of our ANZACs and today go about our business somehow not remembering what brought a tear yesterday at dawn. Can we still remember and live the feelings we had, the pride, the respect and the some how feeling part of a community greater than ourselves.

Well, every ANZAC Day I think about these things.

What’s more I think about them most days. When I see the petty squabbling in day to day life; when I hear our politicians speak; when I see big business take from the needy; when I hear the media (the Merchants of Misery) create and ignore news; when I see someone struggling and needing help that would cost most of us almost nothing.

I think about the spirit of the ANACS everyday and a few years ago sat down and wrote the following.

I really hope that in the morning and the going down of the sun you will always remember what it really means to celebrate and more importantly live the spirit of the ANZACs.

Why can’t every day be ANZAC Day

Bravery would be commonplace
Loyalty would be volunteered
We would fight for those
who could not fight for themselves

We would love our country

We are just glad to be alive – today

You carry everything we own
We write each other letters
Good fun, is just good fun
Our leaders lead
and we follow

Coming home is the most important thing
We volunteer
Sacrifice is given gladly
Life is short, often horrific
but we face it with our mates
and we all stand fast

Heroes; really are heroes
We don’t do things to be remembered
Medals are earned
often with our lives

And probably most of all
every sunrise, and
every sunset
We would remember those that have fallen
and
every day
We would live our lives to honour the values
That we have fought and died for

 I wish everyday was ANZAC Day

A Good Man: Takes Responsibility for His Actions

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Yesterdays blog was about forgetting the ‘better man project’ and just being a good man – everyday.

Everyday is a long time – it is now and it is always.

You can’t have a bad day as a good man and hurt people and then say sorry and think it will be okay. Saying sorry is a good start but that taking responsibility for your actions is the actual action that you need to take.

I remember when we were all saying sorry for something we didn’t think we were responsible for… I always used the analogy of having a cold….

“Sorry you feel bad with your cold” – as opposed to…

“I apologise you have a cold” – but it’s not my fault so why apologise.

An apology is taking responsibility for your actions – “sorry about that” is all very nice and really has no answer, or complaint, but is it taking responsibility – I vote no.

I want to be a good man and take responsibility for my actions on a daily basis. But, there is a catch. Apologise freely, or better still stop and don’t do that thing that I might have to apologise for in the first place – that is the good man.

The good man today does not wipe out the not so good man of yesterday. It does also not wipe out all the ‘sorries’ when there should have been ‘apologies.’

In thinking about this, I wondered is is all that apologising and saying sorry really doing anything – is anyone really any better for it?

The answer that continued to boom through my head was ‘Yes”.

Not that long ago I was contacted by someone that I had wronged a long time ago – for all those years I put it down to good old youthful exuberance. They told me what I had done had hurt them for years and it was a horrible time in their life. I said sorry… I hope I apologised. But, most of all I realised that neither of these things seemed enough. I dont know what to do to make up for this wrong – but, I do know the universe will tell me when that time is and I will have to pay the piper – and I will pay him gladly.

Taking responsibility for your actions can be a hard pill to swallow – you can choke on it and it may kill you. It may kill the construct of the person you thought you were – it may kill your ego. These are things we don’t risk in our modern dog eat dog life.

But, and there is always a but….

In my ‘Dr Google’ research I came across something interesting in all my searches about taking responsibility for your actions… and it was in the Alcoholic’s Anonymous 12 steps program… (these are a few of the 12 and in actual order but with a few edited out – do a search and next time you may be kinder to someone who you think is, or is, an alcoholic – they are undertaking something much harder than any pretend better man project…)

  1. Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  2. Make a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  3. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So, the battling drunk up the street may just be a good man (or woman) trying to undertake the recompense for a life not so well led. … and if you want to baulk at the God bit, just think about editing that out instead of trashing the entire sentence – perhaps it is easier to not get passed the ‘God bit’ because you then can avoid the ‘ourselves’ bit.

When you think about their list it can be overwhelming – when you think about your list it may be a surprise – when I think about my list, especially those closest to me, it is staggering.

I am following the 12 steps and it may not be God even to me, but the Universe is always watching – it is where we came from and where we will go back to. Remember there may be one molecule in your body that was once the heart of a star – and that is a legacy that deserves recognition and somehow, somewhere, a sense of awe!

I want each day to not be about being the better man sometime in the future and to hell with my past in getting there, well getting there tomorrow.

I want want each day to be about me being a good man and acknowledging that yesterday has a whole lot of responsibilities that I have to also take responsibility for and when I can ‘I apologise’ and do what I can to make amends.

Some days this may sting, but often the acknowledgement takes no more than will and acceptance … and that may not be pretty.

I have been a good man today and I accept all the responsibilities for my wrongs of all the yesterdays to here… I will be a good man tomorrow and make amends where I can.

Bye the way – I do not think this is a task, I think it is a privilege – because we, I, am still here to do it.

Being a Good Man

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Well this is a realisation.

The ‘better man project’ is a myth.

Each day I have convinced myself that I am on the path to being a better man; yet that day of fulfilment is always in the future – I will be a little bit better today and a little bit better tomorrow etc etc etc – well etc, ad infinitum until you get to the point that you convince yourself that each little ‘better bit’ will lead to some unattainable position of better – but of course after that you can always be a little better.

… and of course because in you, in your idea of where you are going and what you are doing is the problem that each little bit of better you disguise to yourself as deserving some credit and acknowledgement for the effort – irrespective of the outcome – which overall may not be better…

Today, the only day I have and the only day I am living – actually I am only living this actual moment right now…. I need, now, to be a good man.

I can plan to be better tomorrow which always provides the excuse of not being the good man today, now, in this moment.

It is a big realisation that the construct of my personality that I have created – as in ‘this is me’ is in actual fact a construct of something I will be tomorrow – in that I will be better tomorrow so it is okay to not be so ‘better’ today.

It is easy to be a better man tomorrow – it is hard to be a good man right now, especially when things are not going well, or you are hurting or …. well there are 1000 reasons why we tell ourselves it is okay to behave in a certain way today because tomorrow….?

It is a little difficult to change an entire blog to ‘Being a Good Man (Now)’, but labels are often just there so that we can feel our place – URL’s are just there so we can find a web page – and so often that is a place we have created so that we can feel empowered.

As with all things I decided to seek ‘Dr Google’ to advise me of the characteristics of a good man… there were a lot of URL’s that got a hit – actually 600,000,000! I think, and feel, that what defines a good man must come from within – and with perhaps a little help from the universe; so I will thank Dr Google for its 600 million ideas and define my good man characteristics from my heart, my mind, my soul, my universe and hopefully when the next search for ‘define a good man’ ends up on someones desk top they too can find it themselves and define themselves as a good man from within – because, after all that is really where the good man emerges from or hides.

So, I think the better man project has taken a paradigm shift – I will always try and be better tomorrow, it is hopefully the nature of all of us – but today, this day, this moment, now, I will be a good man.

A good man is:

  1. Honest

Better ….. the best Daughters

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Don’t know if I mentioned I almost died from an aneurysm a few days before Christmas….

If I had have died imagine how that would have stuffed up Christmases for the entire family for…. well, forever….  What a terrible day that would have been “Oh, here’s the new blouse you wanted, and oh yeah, this is the day Dad died!”    Horrible!

I know I am going to die before my daughters.  Well that is what all parents wish and I can’t imagine otherwise….  I have a mate who’s 24 year old son recently died from cancer….  the world will never be the same again and most definitely never seem fair.

….. and I must digress here …. by saying that friends do not show up when it’s convenient or easy but they are just there when it is hard….  I am trying to do that for my mate above.

So I spent a few days in hospital, well actually three weeks, and although it wasn’t exactly a piece of cake for me, I know it was hard, maybe more so (as I was zonked out on oxy most of the time – the only time I ever had access to that many drugs was after midnight down Hindley Street talking to a bloke called Guido!), for my friends, family, wife and daughters.

I can’t thank my wife enough…. but that is another blog and probably a bit more between me and her.  A lot of the people I have to thank have received a little special thank you in the post – well maybe not yet as the old mail with a pen and paper really is as slow as a snail.  I often ask myself why I still write letters and send cards – but then again I did have a brain aneurysm so talking to myself has become somewhat the norm – and I agree!

My little blog today is also not about my friends  – who many fulfilled the above little saying of being there when it was hard.  … and a lot were smart enough to not be there and fill my hospital room, read my magazines and steal my chocolates….  but called later when the dust settled and I could actually remember them either being there or talking to me!

My daughters…  the ones that I thought I was here to protect, suddenly were there
protecting me, holding me up, making me proud of the young women they had become… so one night I wrote the following:

My Daughters

When I was on the edge of life,
When I wavered,
When I was scared,
When I feared for the future,

 Angels appeared,
… and they were my Daughters.

They lifted me up,
They led me back,
I am alive, and I am grateful.

 My daughters,
… such strength
… and grace
… such unconditional love.

Their gift of my life,
I am humbled and proud.
Thank You.

… and more so, I am grateful that I am here to write this and tell them in person, everyday.

Better Brevity….

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I am verbose.  I just can’t help it.  My kids tell me, my wife tells me …. and my mates just walk off or hang up, after saying “I’m bored.”

I read my wife my blogs and she just about always says “Yeah, I like it but….”

If you are a smart man you know the ‘but‘ will always undo any good work you have done!

So, taking advice is one of the hardest things in the world to do – especially if it involves changing something that you like to do – for me one of those things is exposing my knowledge to everyone about everything (asked for or not… e.g. this blog), telling stories (usually as pointed out again by my wife, having only a slight resemblance to actual events), ‘helping’ people by telling them what to do (see above… I hate this as well!) and writing pages of what I believe are profound words never before experienced by my hungry for knowledge and appreciative readers….. (?!)

My wife says these things are all okay, as with all things men do, requiring modification at their wife’s ‘suggestion‘ so that the man she never wanted to change when she married him, changes to the way he will find his life the happiest – I hate ‘happy wife, happy life’ but how true is it!

For me, at the moment that is brevity.

Making the verbose brief.  The profound short.  Stories to the point and unexaggerated – most are good in original form anyway.  ….. and a phrase in any marriage listen to often by the men, but never to be uttered – ‘get to the point!’

It’s happening now – I am being verbose in my brevity.

So, my posts will be shorter.  Like this one.

Better at “Playing for Keeps” – TV Bullshit

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Sorry this is not a post about anything profound like actually ‘playing for keeps!”

It is me getting sucked into the world created by television and the media (the Merchants of Misery – by the way I will keep using this term until it is accepted into the Australian Webster dictionary as the alternative name for the media….).

The other day I accidentally watched the news, and went mental – then today I accidentally watched and advertisement ….. I am so dumb!!!

I saw the advertisement for a new TV series ‘Playing for Keeps’ about to premier on Channel 10 – of fuck, I just realised this entire blog will now be considered another advertisement for the show!!!

Apparently the series is about WAGS – wives and girlfriends of AFL football players – I hate the fact that they even have their own acronym!  Why? Why? Why? I ask are they so important, or important enough to have their own TV series… even imaginary as it is.

Yes, I know we will all be entertained and wonder at the bitchiness of the characters and even be able to name them and discuss their interactions and relationships by the end episode one…. but, why.

Why?  Because this is the world the media wants you to wish you had.  this is the life that is supposed to be normal and sought after.  Being rich, being famous, being glamorous, being in the lime light….  if you are not this and not wanting to be this, you are not striving for the right things.  this is just so much fucking bullshit it makes me sick.

It is none of us, most of us will never be it, and those that do are living the lie that was created so that we could all want it too.

Are we that stupid to think that any of this matters.  Are the WAGS as important as the players – are the players even important – is the game even important.

Don’t get me wrong here, I love the footy – it is the great Australian game and my wife and I sit down to watch it… ( admittedly she is actually a greater fan than me – she does barrack for Port Power so need I say any more…!) and we even go to the games when we can – it is great entertainment…. nobody dies (only occasionally and that is a little sad… and dare I say unlucky!)…  the world is not changed by the outcome of a game of footy – and the world is most definitely not changed by what some WAG wears on the red carpet – why do we even have that – why do you watch it?

So, “Playing for Keeps’ does have some truth in its title.  It is getting us all to put all our hopes and dreams into things that will define our futures, that is playing for keeps, but it is all lost in a fantasy that has been sold, reinforced, made the most desirable thing, which are not the things that matter….  you are the medias puppet in your desires.

Plus, think for a moment those that really do play for keeps – our soldiers, our emergency service members – not some fucking footballers ex-groupie now wife! (PS:  I am sure there are some wonderful ‘WAGS’ out there who fully support their partners and create wonderful families and lives and contribute to the community – bet they are not depicted in this series!)

Yes, I watch TV – yes, I get sucked into Survivor, The Bachelor etc etc etc……

But, I know it is not true.  I know my life, my hopes, my dreams, my desires must be more than a moment of fame, recognition, glamour, possessions and bad relationships in a fake world.

I haven’t mentioned in my last couple of posts this is all about my quest to be a ‘better man’ – it is a hard task as I get pissed off about so many things.

Perhaps my ‘playing for keeps’ is knowing that you don’t get reruns, a take 2, or often a second chance – with that knowledge I know that I wont waste a minute on wanting something, watching something, or believing that something is good or bad because someone else tells me so – especially when they are trying to sell me something at the same time.

NO SALE sorry.

(PS: Apologies for the typos, spelling mistakes and sentences that don’t make sense – I wrote this in a frenzy and then realised I’d rather be in the shed doing shit so just pressed ‘post this shit’ – it’s a special button I have on my computer!)

Better Retired (1 Year) – Happy Birthday Mum

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Well where did that year go. Where did my ‘gap year’ go – did it start.

So a year ago I retired from the Police after 38 years – coincidentally it was on my Mum Gloria’s birthday.  She has been gone now for almost 3 years.

Nothing is permanent.c994218c9dd900cc2722235c2ed5bd5a--retirement-sayings-retirement-cards

We live our lives oblivious to the only one true inevitability – death.

On my final day in the Police there were a few things I wish I had done.  I wonder how big that list will be on my last day alive?

What if that day is today?
On my last day in the Police people asked me how I felt – I said relieved.  I felt the weight of responsibility lift from my shoulders.  Now this was a responsibility I had sworn to uphold (it was an oath I took pretty seriously) and I hoped on occasions I went beyond the call of duty.  Often it wasn’t a duty, it was really an honour.
On my last day on this planet (working on the fact that I will live to be 85 – I have 10423 days left) I wonder if I will think that I had spent my time well.  I wonder if each of those days I have left I will spend well.  As the poem goes, I wonder if I would have spent the Top-5-regrets-for-EL-Mag-VFdash between the date of my birth and the date of my death well.

In thinking, have I spent the last year, my first year of retirement, well.  Firstly, I suppose, I have to define well?  Is it doing what I want to make me happy; doing something that is meaningful; doing things for others – is it all of these things.  And if it is any of them, how do I measure it.

So, I am on the last day of the first year of my retirement – let’s pretend that it is not that day, but a day 10423 days into the future.

So, it is the future, 1st May 2046 and it is my last day and that day is today – I have a few hours left what should I do?  Lets go through the list of what I have been doing and decide what will make the final hours bucket list…..

  • Watching TV (especially Survivor!) – NO
  • Reading or Watching the News – NO  (I actually stopped doing that a few years ago…)
  • Shopping – NO  (what do I need in these final hours – what have I ever actually needed?)
  • Visiting Friends – Some are so far away (and I haven’t spoken to them for so long?)
  • Write Thank You and Sorry Letters – NO  (Wow that’s a long list, do I have time left?)
  • Visit the Kids – NO  (They are so busy – and I know you only miss your folks after they are gone…)
  • Arguing over bills, or money, or politics or religion – who would I argue with?  How would me winning any argument change my last day on earth?
  • Spend it with my Wife – I spend everyday with her, I tell her I love her every day, don’t I?
  • Spend it with Me – But, I know me don’t I (wouldn’t that be a waste of time?)

 

The clock is ticking and I don’t know what to do: there just isn’t enough time to finish everything and do all the important things.  I can’t even work out what the important things are!  I just keep thinking about all the things I have done (regrets and triumphs) and all the things I wont get to do.  I am sitting there as the minutes turn into hours and my final day on earth is disappearing and I haven’t achieved anything meaningful all day…..

Unfortunately all the ‘NOWS’ in my life have become yesterdays or unfulfilled dreams of the future.  What the fuck happened to everyone one of those 2,682,374,400 seconds – I just lived…. tick, tick, tick…. they just seemed to disappear in the noise of my life.

Now it is quiet and I have those final minutes, those final seconds…. what am I thinking….

But, as that clock tick’s those final seconds, each one is NOW: in each one I am alive and I get to truely experience it, the miracle of it, the absolute joy of that one moment….

As that last second ticks, I realise that I had 2,682,374,399 of them, that I may have
missed – glad I noticed that last one.

Back to the present – Lucky for me I actually have 900,547,200 left!IMG_4828

So, today, after 31,536,000 seconds of retirement: 89,683,200 seconds since Mum went to a better place; today on Mum’s Birthday, my ‘retirement day’ I am going to notice each one of those seconds.

I am going to be aware of me, of my life and that, in itself, is a miracle, a joy, and is in fact, right now!

Happy Retirement Day Ian – Happy Birthday Mum.  x