Category Archives: Better as a Father

When I do things with the kids or they tell me things and I handle them better OR it makes my life better

Better being privileged

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Tonight I watched a segment on one of the news program’s about a young footballer who was supporting a fan (who was only 17) who was recovering from a stroke.  The footballer said he would kick a footy with the young lad when he could walk.  The segment showed when they were both at the oval and the young stroke suffer kicked a gaol.  The absolute joy on the young fellas face was only matched by the smile on the young footballers face.

I liked what I saw.  The young footballer didn’t have to be involved at all but he chose to.

Then the cynic in me kicked in……

I thought the the footballer was one of the football privileged who SHOULD be putting back into the community. He was one of the people that we look up too, gets the big bucks and leads a life of privilege. I know he has worked hard for it, and has to work hard each week to make the team. I know that he is also expected to be a role model and put himself up each week he walks out onto the field.

I started to think that my cynicism was levelled at the wrong person, the wrong group of people.

What about all the politicians who earn big buck yet only appear to do things for political gain not community well being: what about the multi million dollar earning CEO’s that live a life of luxury: what about all the celebrities that make a movie or two and live a life of excess and privilege?

Suddenly I started to count the imbalance of privelege in our society and what everyone else had and what they did with it incomprison to me.

I thought I was not a person of privelege: then I started to count the things I have and not the things I don’t have. It may be about the things I need and the things I want.

I have clean water to dring, in my house.
I have good food, whenever I want.
I have shelter and clothes.
I live in a great country.
I am free.

I started to think what I had done with my privileges.

If the news program came to my place and said we want to do a story on what you have done with your privelege, what would their story report on.

Probably some weak stuff I half volunteered for in the past and all the entrepreneurial things I am going to do in the future.

I realised that we wait for the celebrities, footballers and CEO’s to show us the way… Because they should, it is their responsibility!

Maybe I should be better with my privelege and stop worrying about everyone else and start worrying about everyone else.

I am sure there is a great deal of privelege in having the choice to be a better man.

Better Experience the Presents

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I think we all love presents.  Some of us love receiving them more and some of us love giving them more.  The best part is giving or receiving a present that is just right.  That you love it, or the person you are giving it to, loving it as you imagined they would when you got it.

Just as a side note I love presents almost as much as I love the card that goes with it.  I love making cards, I love giving cards and I love getting cards (and letScreen Shot 2014-07-03 at 11.25.00 pmters!).  One of my favourite cards is the one I made for my Mum a few years ago I talked about it in Better Presents.  I just love making home made cards!

But there is one thing about getting presents which over the last couple of years (well decades for me) is that they are mostly just things.  Can you remember what you got for your last Birthday from the one you love, or your kids, or what you gave them.  Well, up until a few years ago I would have probably said no, but over the last couple of years I can tell you in the most minute detail the presents that counted the most.  The reason is that a few years ago a girl I worked with was acting weird.  She had this stash of dry biscuits and home brand tuna in the cupboard which she was having for lunch on the days she actually had any lunch.  She was not coming out for coffee or a drink after work.  Any plans for a farewell or birthday lunch were always undertaken without her, including the donation for the present.  Suddenly one day it all changed and she was back to ‘normal’.

So it did beg the question about what had been going on.  I, of course did ask it and got the reply I didn’t expect, but, it was also the reply that changed my life.

Just digressing, it is important to notice the small moments or individuals that change your  life.  I find it interesting when I look back and often I only realise when I look back, that it was at a particular moment that something did change my life, and often momentously.  It is often that we don’t notice these moments until we take the time to look back and try and figure out how we go to the present.  But, other times your life changes because you make a decision and say, ‘time for a change.’  This story about presents and the girl in my office is about making such a decision.

Anyway…. she told me she could go back to normal spending because she had bought the tickets for her and her husband to travel to the Maldives for his 50th birthday.  She had saved all her lunch money, drinks money and anything else she could scrap together to buy the tickets to surprise him.  She had to do it this way to keep it a surprise so the money would be obviously missing from their bank account.  She also told me that this is what they always did for birthdays.  Maybe not always such a big surprise, but always a something involving an EXPERIENCE.  She said that the gifts they alway gave and received would get lost in time, or broken, or just wore out.  But she said the memories of those ‘special experiences’ were nme 3 - chris 5 in back yard para hills - croppedever broken, never wore out and most of all never got lost in time.  The present of the experience was a gift forever.

I got to thinking about all the presents I had received or given over the years and realised that some, the ones I actually remembered, had an ‘experience’ attached to them.  I remembered the scooters my Dad had bought us when we were young, and I realised I remembered them because they were second had, and he had painted them, and the small amount of money they had cost was a lot of money to them – I can only just picture the scooter, but I can feel the scooter like it was yesterday.  I also remember the red plastic football my brother and I had.  We could never quite work out why it didn’t sound like a ‘real’ football when we kicked it.

The other experiences, some presents, some just holidays, some just time with family and the gifts from my past, I remember like I unwrapped them yesterday.  So, I got to thinking that it is not too late to stop looking for my presents in the shops and start looking for them in the memories I want to make.

Screen Shot 2014-08-01 at 4.11.39 pmSo, of recent years my family will always remember swimming with the dolphins, going to the circus and travelling to Bali.  The presents of our experiences get to be unwrapped again and again every time we think about them.

The presents of the future we don’t have to search the internet or the shops for, we just have to be there.

Give me a real card in my hand with a note you wrote; give me a big table with as much food as laughter; don’t give me selfies give me one big group shot; stay for 5 minutes or 5 hours but be present the whole time you’re there; give me a hug when you arrive and another when you leave and you give the best present of all – yourself, your time and your memories.

Better Happy Posts

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I like lots of things about Facebook.  I like the way you can connect with old friends that without Facebook you would never have been able to find.  That you can share your holidays and family photographs with each other.  That you can even have a whinge and on occasions share a pointless post (usually in my case because I have had a few too many wines) or a picture of your dinner!

I like the occasional stalking of a friend, or a friend of a friend – and the obligatory stalking of my children (and their friends who are leading them astray!).Screen Shot 2014-07-31 at 3.22.20 pm

I think Facebook does connect us.

But, I think it also lures us into the perfect world of meaningful social contribution on Facebook that we are unable to translate into the connections we are supposed to be having in the real world.

I think this is most obvious in the heartfelt sayings, insightful interpretations of life, or the sage like advice that are shared, reshared, tweeted and plastered all over our daily Facebook walls.  I find it hard to accept that I need to share a post to show I love my children, country, mother, brother etc etc.  In addition I find it hard to accept that Facebook is like a warm electronic hug from the enlightened social media set, yet my most meaningful interactions I have outside Facebook with people under 20 other than my kids, is when I asked  ‘would you like fries with that!”

Again, I love Facebook as a new way that it lets us find each other, stay in touch and share our lives.  But, I love it as an enhancement to my life not a substitute

2014-07-31 Facebook Mum SayingHow about my ‘happy post’ for today?

It is just that we are a long time dead yet we go about our lives as if we are immortal, or more to the point, those that we are not spending our time with, will have time enough tomorrow for us to catch with at our leisure (when all the other really important stuff in life is done!)

I made a photo book after my Dad died and in the back I put the following caption.

The other day I was trying to explain to the kids what were the important things in life and knowing the ‘value’ of something.  I said I would be happy to have no job, no house, no possessions except the clothes I was wearing and perhaps a tooth brush in my back pocket. I would give it all away, all my ‘things’ to spend 1 minute with my Dad.  I told then if I could do this, I would, with no regrets.  I miss him as much today as I did all those years ago.  I now attempt to honour him by living a life that would make him proud…. and sometimes when I falter, I know he would understand, forgive me and know (which is all he ever expected on any of us) I am doing my best.  I love my Dad and I miss him.

I was chatting today with a friend who’s Mother recently died and we had the conversation that only we could have.  It is the one that tells us that we now know that the finite life is finite and when it ends, it just does.  No profound long goodbyes or settlement of lifes questions.  It is just the end which you measure not mostly on the last day but on all the other days.

I think a ‘happy post’ should be said out loud and it should start something like this:

“Hi, I just thought I’d ring to say hello”

“Hi, just thought I’d drop in for a visit to see how you’re going”

“Sure I’ve got time for a chat, lets get a coffee right now”

One of my ‘better man’ mantra’s is to write about my life.  Perhaps in addition to that I should be writing a few more letters, a few more cards and to steal a famous quote from the movie Avatar, say to my friend and family “I see you” and for it to be literally.

 

 

 

 

Better (Still) Stop Smoking

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Well today at 3.00 pm it was three (3) months since I stopped smoking. And, that is not having one single puff.

This is the best I can ever remember doing.

I have done it pretty good most of the time, but, there have been bad days, minutes, hours and times when I was just going to have one….. but the trick is I didn’t. I am proud of myself, but also still nervous that the smoking beast could get me at any time. I will just have to remain vigilant.

I am enjoying not smelling of smoke, being socially isolated and of course having all that extra cash (I think is adds up to about $2,000+ at this stage – that is a lot of money!).

I think I am better for it.

Better as a Dancer

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I have just returned from my daughters school dance concert….

If you are a parent this may bring moans of oh, no, how many of them have I sat through.  Well I have sat through a lot.  My girls did ballet from when they were in kindy; those were the concerts that you sat through for a couple of hours to see your daughter on stage for about, oh, let me think… 30 seconds!

They were also the concerts that afterwards I would also say to the girls “Why do you walk around on tippy toes, why don’t they just get taller girls!”… which was always greeted by moans that you can only hear the tone of after doing a really good ‘Dad Joke’ for the 400th time.

These where the concerts that made the thought of drip torture as a viable alternative.  I do recall that I used to go to the pub before I went, which made them a little better, but unfortunately made me a bad parent.

I also could not tolerate the self important photographer who made it as difficult as possible to order photographs of the girls before the concert.  He had devised a system that required not only an ordering area insufficient for one parent, let alone the 200 that were trying to order, but was time consuming, questionably reliable (I often chased for weeks after the actual photographs I had ordered of my girls as opposed to the photographs of what appeared to be random members of the ballet school which had been sent to me!) and involved you doing everything so he could reject your initial form due to error which the form had been designed to create.  I would go through this process each year (for about 10 years I might add) as my Mum cherished the photographs dearly… and in addition each year I would ask the photographer to lend me his ‘good pen’ and always fail to return it.  Sometimes it is the little things!

Well tonight, and fortunately over the last couple of years, the girls have gotten older and thankfully much better.

But, lets face it, it was never about the dancing.  It was about the parenting and the moment. Before my Mum went to the nursing home I used to take her to the concerts.  It was a moment where we wondered at these little people that came from us.

It was a moment to be proud.  Tonight I wasn’t just proud, I was grateful; grateful that I had all those previous concerts and all the concerts to come.  Grateful that, just maybe, over the years the girls have become better dancers and I have grown with them and become a better parent.

Better Homes – Make Yourself a Memory

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I was sitting at the computer, which is in our family room, and I could hear my wife in kitchen which is basically part of the same room.  She was cooking and filling the house with those warm smells of baking.  I am the luckiest man in the world as my wife cooks to relax (she also enjoys grocery shopping! – and alone!!!!).

It was raining outside and the gas central heating that we had saved for (no really, we didn’t buy it on credit and froze for 4 winters!) made the house a warm cocoon.

All I can advise is remember all the rainy Sundays that you spend at home with the one(s) you love.  It may be watching a movie, or doing your own thing.

Talking to each other or not talking to each other.

Remember these days, because they are special; they are the days that linger longest in your heart; if you let yourself they are easy to remember – to feel.

Remember the home that was there – not the house, but the home.

If you are sitting there right now, you have to be there right now.  Take a moment and make yourself a memory and a feeling for a lifetime.

I just did.

Better at Work – Life

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I was getting pretty sick of hearing about work life balance a few years ago, mainly by people who were afraid to work and their balance was how much life I can fit into all the time I was supposed to be working.

I also thought the saying “I work to live, not live to work” was degrading to whatever work that person was attempting to avoid that day – they always appeared to me to be the people in my work who were striving for mediocrity.

So I thought about it and decided that work life balance is actually bullshit – it’s just called LIFE.

Apparently work is not a new thing!  The only difference is that historically work was what gave you life – you didn’t work in planting your crops and harvesting them, you didn’t eat and then you died.  Work then was not about ‘my leisure time’ but about my survival.

The reason that I am writing this today is I was in the car today listening to the radio and I suddenly hear some professor talking about “Work Life Integration”.  Apparently our executives of today are finding that they are becoming disconnected with their families and that a balance doesn’t exist because work and life take up too much time.  Apparently they need to be integrated so they get the right amount of attention.

This may not be the answer but maybe it clarifies the idea that you don’t have to work to live but you have to live to work.