I thought I would write a post not about nature or nurture but about what really drives us and is one of my favourite subjects: values. (Click here to go to my values page which has a ‘self test’ about values you might want to try!)

First off though, I need to tell a story.  It is a ‘fable’ which has been around for ages but is a little hard to find the origin of – look it up on Wikipedia and it doesn’t really help.  That’s not the point, anyway:

A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river as the scorpion couldn’t swim. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, both would sink and both would drown. The frog sees the logic in this and agrees to carry the scorpion across the river on his back. About midway across the river the scorpion goes, BANG! and stings the frog, dooming them both. With the frog’s last breath before he goes under paralysed from the scorpions sting, he says “Why did you do that, now we’re both going to die.”  the scorpion replies “Because it’s in my nature. You knew I was a scorpion when you picked me up.”

I suppose this fable is one close to my heart as I am a bit like the scorpion.  No, who’s kidding who here – I am the scorpion.

The trick is not stinging the frog, when you really, really, really want to.

To me (remember trying to be a better man) I find it hard not to sting as a matter of reflex (remember it’s in my nature) especially dealing with all the dick heads in the world!  (See my post on 6 Percenters – they are really hard not to sting!)

But……

Most of the time going with my nature doesn’t turn out all that well and often (usually always!) makes me feel worse at the end of it.

As the sting is a reflex, I go back to the advice of my old mate Bob Kearney  when dealing with difficult people and situations:

“Don’t just do something, stand there!”

Yeah, you’re right it is a twist on an old saying (if you didn’t get the twist, read it again!).  But, it is the twist that stops instinct taking over from both nature, nurture, rules, common sense and most of all fear (even though fear is not real – click here to read about that!).

Bob would say that in that ‘moment’ you are standing there, consciously thinking about the situation you are in, you can then make a decision which is a response not a reaction.  Bearing in mind that ‘moment’ may be a nano-second in an emergency or a longer period if you have the time – it could be years in a marriage!!!

What happens is the below fundamental realisations come about from just standing there:

1. I am thinking – not reacting (although this is a bad idea if you are getting chased by something that may be about to eat you – I recommend thinking really fast! – forget it, flight of fight just kicked in!)
2. I will make a decision which is best for me.
3. In a short time I wont care about this.

I go through this process on an almost daily basis when receiving todays version of ‘customer service’.  I used to ‘sting’ a lot – especially when I get asked “Are you right!”  Oh, I stung a lot!

Now….. being calm, just standing there…. greeting the morning sun…. I do that….. I just stand there….. (I try not to let my eyes glaze over too much or they might think I am having a stroke!)  Eventually they will say something along the lines of “Excuse me can I help you”  Then I ‘wake up’ and start to engage with them as if nothing has happened.  But this is usually not the end….. Eventually they will call back from the pie warmer getting my highly anticipated Vilies Pie the statement, “SAUCE!” and it all starts over again.

I think we all have something in our nature that we have to fight on a daily basis – it may be the sting or it may even be the reaction of always giving in or worse of all, being oblivious to our lives.

I said at the start of this post that it wasn’t about nature or nurture yet this is probably the reason we are reacting in a certain way – but – our values dictate if we allow our behaviour to continue once we notice (or someone brings it to our attention – how embarrassment!)

It all just takes a bit of concentration and being aware of where we are and what’s happening around us at that moment.  I reckon it is living a ‘mindful’ life by noticing that we are actually here, now.

The mindful man, the better man, the better person, the person who has noticed their life must often resist the temptation to follow their nature (even if that prick really, really, really, really deserves it – SAUCE!)