I have just returned home from an afternoon birthday party for a mate.  Last night we went to a birthday party for another friend.

Each time I came home I realised that I am enjoying parties more, when traditionally they were often an ‘obligation’ or a piss fest for dubious reasons.

Why?

Well I suppose it has something to do with the parties I am now being invited to.  This incidentally was a subject of a conversation at both the recent parties that I have attended.

As you may have guessed from my other posts (or the fact that you know me) I am a 53 year old, technically double divorcee, making a great life with my wonderful wife and our complicated and often confusing blended lives.

Well, at these parties we are often lamenting (sorry, but I love the word lamenting!) our life experience and position in the evolutionary chain where we are now getting invited to funerals, 50+ birthdays or the birthdays of our children; often 21st’s where we either supply the food or the money, and leave early!

So why at this stage of my life am I ‘better at parties’.

I think the reason is that historically (read – ‘when I was under 30’) parties were supposed to be fun and we would have fun at any cost, even if we were not having fun.  The party of the year could not be missed even if there were another 20 parties of the year that had to be attended in that week!

And, now, parties are something that I go to because I/we are invited because of what I/we bring, other than a present.
And, the presents are often a hand made card, with old photos, and something that was baked or made for the specific purpose of giving it to my friend.
And, leaving early is something that is accepted because we all have real lives
And, we attended because it meant something to us
And, we attended because it meant something to them
And, we felt welcome
And, we laughed (that big belly laugh that only comes with being with real friends)
And, we talk to everyone at the party because they were just like us

And (most of all), even if you left early or were the last to leave, all they way home you chatted about what a good time you had, and how the people were nice, and even though you have enough friends you were now glad that you got to meet new and different people, and how you laughed, and how you were going to ring so-and-so because they seemed a little sad, and you thought you might catch up for a coffee, and how you so, so, so, so much appreciated being at that party.

I am better at parties because the parties are better.

Yeah, it took a little longer than I thought (maybe 30 or so years) to get around to knowing which parties were the best and also organising the parties that were the best.

But, now the only parties I go to, or the only parties I organise are the ones that actually use the excuse of a birthday, an anniversary or even a death to be with the people that add to my life.  The best parties are the ones that celebrate the getting together of people to do nothing other than be with each other; yeah, we celebrate the ‘occassion’ but really it is about the people, and I suppose the word is the ‘fellowship’.

We have an annual ‘Boxing Day’ party, which is basically an open house the day after Christmas for everyone to relax and ‘get over’ Christmas day.  We have been having them for about 6 years and every year is quite different.  Some are large, others just small gatherings.  But, they are usually a eclectic collection of our friends from the different spheres of our lives.  Some come all day, some just pop in.  We know everyone and the atmosphere encourages everyone to get to know everyone; this is not a ‘high maintenance guests’ party, and mostly we get to relax as well.  I suppose it is because everyone who comes, actually wants to come as it is an ‘open house’ which I suppose pivots around us, bringing our friends together in doing something easy, in a relaxing and peaceful way.

This is something I take to other peoples parties.  I am there because of the host – it is their party and their friends, some or none of who I may know, but I have been thought of enough to get invited.  I think, therefore if I go, I do not want to be a ‘high maintenance guest!’  I want to add to their party as I hope I add to their life.

When my wife and I got married we only invited people who added to our life.  A few people were surprised at their invites and a few were horrified they weren’t.  We only invited people who added to our lives (no-one was invited out of obligation or just for being a relative!) – so they added to our party/reception and it was a real celebration, with real friends.  One of the people I didn’t invite but worked with everyday for years got a bit miffed and eventually asked me why they hadn’t been invited and I asked them a question – “What does my lounge room look like?” – and they couldn’t answer; in 20 years of working together we had never been to each others houses and only ‘associated’ at work.  I do not work there anymore and have not heard from the person I used to talk to on the phone and see everyday for 20 years, since the day I left…! I don’t miss them.

I want to finish this post now, as it says all I want to really say.  But, and there is is always a but in my posts.  I think I need to share the experiences of my parties, both attended and hosted, that can be quantified in a list.

So, here is my list of ‘hints’ for having or going to a great party.

1. A good party is one you share with people who add to your life.  This is not people who are in your life everyday – add, means add.  No invitation should ever be sent or accepted through obligation (see my post Better at Obligations)
2. Actually RSVP  – not 5 minutes before to say sorry but you can’t make is as the kids are sick/baby sitter cancelled/had to work – we all know it’s bullshit – have the guts to say no!
3. Generosity in time in preparing or attending is noticed and reciprocated.
4. The start time is a real indicator of the time that the party actually starts.  Arriving late is just rude (see my post on Better with the ONLY commodity)
5. Leaving is the time it is supposed to be for you or them.
6. Stories and listening are equally important – do both, about the same.
7. Say hello to everyone and say goodbye to those you can.
8. Send thank you notes.
9. Bring lots and leave it all – take the last of the cake if offered.
10. If you organise the next one before the end of this one, actually organise it.

I’m not to sure if I am better at parties or if the parties are better – either way, the party of the year is usually the one you least expect.