I went to the graduation dinner for my youngest daughter a couple of weeks ago.  I was proud.

It was also around that time that my relationship with my daughter(s), and their Mum (and her Hubby) changed in another way.  It was like a new life for all of us, but very different.

A couple of days before was my last child support payment.  It will obviously be a bit of a financial bonus for me and perhaps a bit more of a burden for my Ex.  But, I had some mixed emotions.

Obviously we all wish that our relationships could turn out perfect, but considering the current divorce rate of about 1 in 3 marriages this is not a reality in a third of occasions.  In addition to the heart ache that splitting up may induce, it is often amplified and more often manipulated when kids are involved.

I see and hear of so many break ups that then proceed to not only destroy the lives of the couple concerned but damage the kids for a long time… This is not involving murders and suicide but just the damage of hearts and trust and love that can occur in a ‘normal’ break up when those that caused it still think it’s all about them.

Just to make it clear, I don’t think I will ever quite forgive myself for leaving my kids. But, be sure that I will always man up to the responsibility I have for them.  I have paid my child support and tried to be a good Dad at the same time.  Yeah, I have faultered and sometimes been angry about the wrong things.  But, I have also been proud about not shirking my responsibilities as a Father.

I have had times when I paid for things with the coins from a ‘change jar’ as I had no other money… And I have taken gambles in houses and relationships that ‘normal’ people don’t because they have a family to support and something to lose.

I have come out alright through a process of luck, semi good management, luck, an ex that knew doing the best for the kids was more important than hating me and just lately (well 7 years!) having a new partner, now wife, who understands, supports and often counsels in what is important and what is definitely not! (Did I mention a lot of this was luck!)

I often hear about the blokes that have had a rougher end of the stick than me and hate a lot as a result.  I hear and see kids damaged and hearts never mended. But, I also remember that most times, not all, but most, if there are kids involved and they are the most important thing, not egos, manipulative helpful friends (and lawyers), family advice (including new partners), hurt feelings and even broken hearts, then perhaps, this life, this one life, can provide happiness to everyone.

Tonight we took a photo with my daughter and my ex and her husband and me and my wife either side of my daughter, and my daughter said once we were all in position ‘I’m lucky cos I have two sets of parents.’

Yeah, our family is complex, often a logistical nightmare, full of conflicting priorities and full of responsibilities. But, we accept those responsibilities for the entire family.  We have a few kids/step kids to go that aren’t part of the child support merry-go-round, but they are still part of MY family, no matter how we are connected, through divorce, new marriages, step kids, step siblings, half siblings and all the new members to arrive through sons and daughters in law. We, and I think it is the WE, accept that responsibility and the idea that our family is what we make if it.

I also know that sometimes the ‘system’ is unfair and manipulated – often this does seem like a conspiracy against you.

There are no time machines, we can’t go back and fix stuff, but we can make up for our mistakes and all be better.

If it’s not so good for you remember a few things I may have learned:

• forgive yourself
• forgive your ex (even if she/he is a bitch/bastard)
• make the kids your number one priority even if it means not seeing them or staving to death
• never shit can your ex, even if you are right and she/he is so wrong you can’t believe anybody would side with them (your kids will if you shit can them!)
• don’t get angry at the kids, remember this is not their fault
• pay what is fair, pay more if you can (you can’t take it with you – keep good records, the kids will find them after you die!)
• keep new partners out if it, if they don’t understand get a new new partner you’re obviously good a picking the wrong one!
• give the kids experiences and time with you, not presents (a night camping, with a fire, cooking toast and real butter and stories, lasts forever; a new toy gets old in a fortnight until next visits expected new toy)
• take heaps of photos, especially around the campfire, or blanket cubby in the lounge or when you are all laughing
• hug them heaps

Remember your kids will grow up and have the wisdom to see life as you do, just later on.

Life is messy. But as my new wife says (the new one, not that other bitch… kidding!), look for the moments of joy.  Do you think your kids care about how much maintenance you pay, they care about how much you love them.  Show them that, it costs nothing and is an investment with an infinite interest rate.

PS:  One last gripe. If you are a ‘dead beat’ Dad and spend most of your time avoiding paying maintenance, shit canning your ex and manipulating your children – please stay out of my life and bitching in conversations I am a part of.  I really am not interesting in how you fucked up your life and blame everyone else – even the kids.  I am also not interested in your ‘good traits’ because really, you are a loser, abandoned the sacred trust of Fatherhood and now cry victim! (Perhaps the reason you are a failure is because you always were, marriage and kids actually had nothing to do with it).  I am also not interested in hearing about all the scams you are pulling to avoid paying – one of which will probably be not working… I rest my case on that one!

PPS:  If you’re the step Dad and dealing with the ‘dead beat’ Dad – as hard as it is, justlet it go (see above regarding kids getting their wisdom later in life).  Also it is not up to you to be the ‘head’ of the household, as you now live in a really, really different world.  Perhaps it is your job to make sure everyone is happy – good luck with that one!

PPPS:  …… and for all you Dad’s getting well and truly bent over by the Ex and perhaps even the courts, hang in there – see above about the wisdom your kids are growing into.  Also haters will hate not matter what, try not to be one of them.