I wrote Better at War the other day and made reference to my circles of authority, responsibility and concern – I actually made reference to this post which at that time I had not done – so here it is!

It all came about as I am a bit sick of being responsible for things I have not authority over, but mainly I am worried about my level of concern for those same things.

Often the size of my ‘circles’ of authority, responsibility and concern are something that is thrust upon me and not something I choose.  Well, I asked myself a while ago, why can’t I choose?

A few years ago I drew the below chart (the top figure) to explain how I felt at work, and often felt about my private life, and even sometimes about the world!

I decided to redraw my chart (the bottom figure) to align with how my life should be in all aspects. The thing is, that my circle of concern grows to exponential proportions on some days and shrinks to a dot on others. I think this is okay so long as my circles of authority and responsibility stay aligned.

I also think accepting responsibility is different to having it thrust upon you. Often when this happens it feels like someone is looking for a ‘fall guy’.  I also think that under no circumstance should you accept any responsibility for anything you don’t have authority over.

All this sounds pretty mandatory and stinks of complete abrogation of responsibility for what might be happening in my life, my community, my country and in fact my world.

But, and there is a big BUT here, I found that by not worrying so much about the things I wasn’t responsible for, or had authority over, my life got a whole lot less complicated; well in my head anyway.

I know we are supposed to look after those that can’t look after themselves as I stated as being one of the attributes of a man in my post What is being a Man; but we also have to look after ourselves a bit as well.  You cant help somebody else if you can’t help yourself.  I also found that by worrying less my whole outlook on things got a bit…. calmer.

I wrote about this feeling of responsibility and the regret for not being able to fix some of the things that are bad in our world in Better a Racist and Better Hatred or Hated but reckon these feelings are often thrust upon us, often by ourselves.  I have no doubt that the media are responsible for a great deal of this 21st Century guilt and our need as the ‘first world’ to fix everyone else’s problems.  I suppose this ‘first world guilt’ is like being a parent, you want to fix everything for your kids, and like a parent, it takes a while to realise you can’t.  This realisation also has to stop us, even if it’s only in our heads, to stop being a global parent.

I am not advocating ‘giving up’ however I am advocating looking at it from a different perspective.  Perhaps even like in the parent, child analogy above.  Being concerned about everything, and trying to control everything is where you can lose yourself.  I think this means that you let go of anger, which often comes through perceived helplessness and start to think along the lines of, I will do what I can, with what I have and that is, really all I can do.  Perhaps most of the time that is enough.  Bearing in mind that this is very different for everyone of us.  Some of us on our good days can’t do very much and others, who always seem to have good days, choose not to.  Again it is about choice.

Also, concern is not action.  I can be concerned about something as much as I want to, irrespective on my ability to change it, however, this concern is wasted if I am not concerned enough to actually do something about it.  To a certain extent this then just becomes whinging and having a bitch at the pub about how everything is so fucked and why doesn’t somebody do something about it – hey, it’s your shout!

Concern also often manifests itself in the form of control.  If we are concerned about something we often feel as above, helpless, or in some instances where we have some influence we must gain control in an attempt to pacify our concern.  Unfortunately this can then become the driving force of our interactions with everyone in that to circumvent concern we must always have control.  I think this is how the disease of ‘micro-management’ is caught.  Control to immunise ourselves against concern.  This is most definitely the case in the parent trap of attempting to fix things for our kids before they even happen.  I think the only good that comes from that is that we get a lot of people (and our kids) who stop being concerned about anything and wait for it to be fixed by the magic someone.

I suppose the best analogy of being concerned within your authority and responsibility is that a while ago I drew it to the attention of someone at work that something could go horribly wrong with a project they were working on.  They came and saw me (as I was sure I had told them about my concerns in writing) and said “What are we going to do about this”.  My reply was that I had already done it.  There was this moment where I could see the bewilderment in their face.  I had the above chart on my office wall and pointed it out to them.  The look of bewilderment continued.  I said I was concerned about what was happening and as a matter of professional courtesy drew it to their attention (which I didn’t have to) and for me, sorry, but that was it from me.  They left, I have no doubt a bit disappointed and bewildered that I was not going to fix their problem.   To a certain extent I did feel the need to step in and fix things, but realised that by doing that I was thrusting the ‘fall guy’ position on myself and catching a good dose of ‘micro-management’.

So here I am, concerned to the point of my authority and accepting no responsibility beyond that.  It definitely feels calmer, but does it feel as fulfilling as always striving to make the world a better place.  Well in today speak “Yes, No, but…..”

I suspect the guilt of not doing something has to be tolerated so that when we really have to do something we don’t have to do everything.

I think it is a part of us to want to make the world a better place.  I also think we sometimes just get a bit lost in the enormity of it all and with most things when we feel as if something it too hard, we do nothing.

I don’t think it is about changing the things we can change and accepting the things we cannot, or even knowing the difference.  I think the wisdom is in never giving up hope and that like the six-percenters, things will change when it is the right time.

All we have to do is each day is be a little bit better at being better, and keep our circles aligned.