Monthly Archives: June 2019

My Trek – The Instructions

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I posted the other day, in a long rambling monologue about my insanity; and my trek.

It was a little bit like an instruction manual for climbing Mount Everest where on ever page it says “It will be really cold”. Strangely helpful in reminding us of the bleeding obvious (much like ‘contents hot’ embossed on the plastic lids of take away coffee cups!) yet practically as helpful as political election speeches.

So, my trek is not up Mount Everest which considering the latest photographs of the number of ‘adventure tourists’ lining up on the north face, it would be more pedestrian than lining up at the self serve checkout at your local supermarket (an argument for another day about self serve checkouts!).

My trek is arguably harder?

Firstly, I am setting out without a guide, no sherpas (I must carry my own baggage) and no map. These things sound very ‘Burke and Wills’ but I think the difference is:

  • I will seek a guide
  • I am happy to have help carrying my load
  • I know which maps not to use (the ones I have been using all my life!)

I’ll tackle the last point first. A very smart man Bod Kearney once told me a story from his Army days which had this simple message:

If the map doesnt match the ground then the map is wrong.”

The maps I have been following most of my life did not match the ground; and I did everything to change the ground; I could not accept that my map was wrong.

I am now drawing my new map which matches my ground. My major landmarks are my values and marked on the map first. Then establishing my true north is based on my value, past experience and my destination. My major landmarks are my values and marked on the map first. These are my true values not the ones sold to me by others or established in power, greed or anger – they are from my heart – the true me.

In doing this north never changes, only the way I decide to navigate through my life, through hardships and joys. Never blaming the weather, the hills or bad travelling companions as I have said before.

It is a bit scary to be setting out on unchartered paths. It is the trek I need to take, the one I have been waiting all my life to start. The first step is the hardest and I have taken it.

The Trek

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I have spent a few days considering writing a post. I still have a lot of poems to share (groan I hear!) but think by posting one today I would be losing half my audience, and then you would be sitting there reading this all alone!

I am pretty sure my “Better Man Project” is dead. I think constant improvement is often used as an excuse for not being the best you can today; it was certainly an excuse I used.

In addition my daily Mantras have not given me the guidance they were supposed to. I was always going to follow all of them… tomorrow, and just do the best I can today, instead of being my best every day; I think there is a difference.

Those of you (well both of you) who read my blog, may have suspected I was insane; and no doubt feel vindicated after my recent stay in the Rural and Remote Ward at Glenside Hospital. But, to me this was not the greatest indicator; it was my obliviousness to the fact that I was living my favourite quote from Albert Einstein.

As we all know, me more than some I would suggest, is that the insane person does not actually know they are insane. This was me.

I wrote blogs about Mantras and Being a Better Man; but, I was not improving, but just justifying the way I viewed the world and interacted with it.

I was rarely, the best I could be each day; which could have translated with a little effort and dedication into everyday.

I so often could not control what was happening to my life. I can only control how I react to it – this was more of a revelation than any Mantra or personal improvement process. I have always had excuses for the reactions to things in my life; I see now I was mostly wrong. Rest easy I now accept this.

In accepting this I worked on a little theory of how I felt about myself and my past action:

Guilt is awareness that our actions have injured someone else.

Shame is how we feel about ourselves.

I have a lot of regrets; but little shame. I am incredibly embarrassed and regretful for many things I have done and a lot of the things I have said.

My greatest, latest, all in living colour and 3D stereo sound revelation is that I historically have not been me; the true me. I have been sold, and resold, solidified and worshiped the gods of power, anger, consumerism and possessions (No, you can’t have all my stuff for free; I said realisation, not I am becoming a monk!)

A mate recently started calling me by my birth name and he said I was dead. He said:

We all loved the 70% of our mate who was loyal, generous, smart and helpful, but the other 30% would take our heads off, rip our hearts out and destroy with a word…

There was plenty of regret in my heart plus real admiration that he had the courage to tell me. I must admit when he told me the 30% he identified, it felt like 99% of what I mostly felt; I was lucky as I think I faked about three quarters of the 70% he actually liked!

So why did he tell me? We have spent a bit of time with each other lately and he said he didn’t see any of the 30% – okay, lets call it what is; he didn’t see; an angry, controlling, abusive, malicious, self centred prick!

Why?

Because I almost died.
Because the love of my life left.
and… I broke.

The first two, precipitated the last one; the first two were a realisation that all was not good in my view of life. I actually cringed at what my epitaph may have been if I had died and shake my head at how I treated love.

The breaking was the making.

Now I am here with all the pieces, but, I am lucky and grateful that I am still here. I am lucky and grateful for the love I had – and live in hope for.

I live one day at a time. I still have food in the fridge and pay my bills but mentally I am just in this day. I have hope and realise the world is not all about me.

Right, so what? Well fantastic that I am all better today, but there will be a tomorrow.

I am still on my trek. And it is a trek which I have just started. Up until recently I have been going through life as a ‘journey’. I may actually say I was on a ‘cruise’ with occassional fact finding missions into consumerism, power and surveying the battle grounds of my self justified victories!

These ‘journeys’ through life; the constant excitement of smashing down the rapids in my rubber raft driven by barely qualified guides and being with all the other tourists who pay for cheap excitement and gratification. These were my journeys in life, but now I am on a trek.

What does this trek entail that differentiates it from my life journeys to this point?

  • I have a lot of baggage that I have to carry (I do so gladdly but have packed them better)
  • There will be deep valleys (some like ‘the valley of the shadow of death” in the Bible!)
  • Highway men will constantly be trying to rob me (Read the Media, the merchants of misery; Advertisers and the Government!)
  • There will be wonderful scenery if I bother to lift my head
  • I will be with new and old travelling companions
  • I have a destination
  • I am determined to overcome all obstacles
  • I am doing it for me
  • I do it every day and don’t have days off

I now trek through life, some days the hills are steep, the wind is against me, it’s raining, and I am tired. On days like this I need only to take one step – that way I will always be going forward.

I don’t blame the weather, the steep hills or dark valleys or bad travelling companions for my progress, for it is my trek.

Each day I will choose how I see the next step; and I will take it.

I’m a Grandfather (in training)!

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I will be a good Grandfather… because I am practicing now.

I am leaving the speed of youth behind, the success of middle age, and working towards the wisdom of a life lived fully.

I work in my shed and make things.

I write in cursive and believe reading a book is the best escape.

I already hear the shrieks of joy as they arrive at my house and the tugging of their hand as they leave.

I feel them snuggled in my lap as I read stories to them… the wonder of the poetry I recite from memory it has taken me years to learn in preparation of that moment.

I buy the stuff we shouldn’t …. from op shops and garage sales for a dollar, that none of their friends have… the curios that I tell them stories about as we fix them, paint them or repurpose them to cherished possessions.

I keep current with technology so I can connect with them no matter where their parents take them in the world… which I hope is everywhere on adventures.

I try, so late in life to learn a language so they will see the importance of communicating with the world… and so we can have our secret words and language to trick Mum and Dad…

… and in being a good Grandfather I will be a good Dad and a great Father-in-Law. 

Beers in the shed with my Son-in-Laws when life is hard, and they feel comfortable to talk about my daughters, because they know I entrusted them with their care.  Maybe a soft touch of a shoulder and saying from my heart ‘these thing happen mate’ as my Father-in-Law said to me, when he could have been harsh and dismissive.

I am practicing to be a good, no great Grandfather, as I have not always been the best man.  I am lucky, as I am still here.

I practice being a good man each day to be that great Grandfather, pop, opa, gramps, I know I can be.

I was told recently my legacy is not my possessions, any inheritance or all my documents and photos : but the legacy I leave in peoples hearts… especially those of my Grandchildren.