Monthly Archives: February 2015

Better at Picking a Fight in an Empty Room

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A few months ago I was with a couple of my good old mates attempting to go for a ‘3 hour cruise’ on one of their little sailing boats.  Well the result was similar to the fate of the S.S. images-1Minnow when we became stranded motorless in the Patawalonga moorings drifting towards the bridge.  One of us had decided to take a rope and swim back to the mooring so we could them pull ourselves to safety (it wasn’t me!).

At this time, with stresses high, it was not a good time for the well meaning bogan to look over the side of the bridge and ask if we were having trouble…..

I suppose, no matter how much I attempt to control ‘the scorpion’ (see my post Better the Scorpion) it is at moments like this that control is abandoned for the only form of defence, attack!   Also, as sarcasm in the lowest form of wit and apparently the only kind I possess, I replied to our friend and his bull terrier on the bridge:

‘No, we’re right, we’re doing this for fun’

Well what proceeded was an increasing heated exchange where our ‘saviour’ substantially withdrew his offer of assistance to help and exchanged it for a more sincere offer to smash my face in!

Luckily it took us so long to get the boat moored that he lost interest, but, I did then receive the assessment from my friends that I was capable of ‘picking a fight in an empty room.’Screen shot 2015-02-10 at 8.06.36 AM

Yeah…..  must to my denial, they were perhaps pretty right about that.

I try to see the world from the funny side and stick to my mantras (see my Home Page) but often things (and especially people) no matter how hard I try, shit me!  That term, ‘shits me’ has also become a mantra towards me by a certain group of friends who have heard me say it so many times – often they will start the chant “Hey, does that shit you” “Yeah, it shits him” “That’s gotta shit ya”

Through all the above  – ‘picking a fight in an empty room’ and ‘that shits me’ –  I have come to realise it is just me, being reflected back at me.  It is like those moments when you walk past the mirror after a big night out (or when you are old!) and initially step back in shock as you don’t recognise yourself immediately – the bad, or is it the good part is that upon that recognition you realise it is time to get your shit together and tidy yourself up and face the day with your best face.  I think this is the same with attitudes not only your appearance.

Bob (see Better with Bob) used to say the only way to live each day is with an ‘attitude of gratitude’.  Great little saying, although I am not one for ‘cheesy’ little proverbs delivered usually with a condescending all knowing grin and at a time when it just to ‘shits me’ and I want to argue with them…… oh, there I go again!

I think the observation of me ‘picking a fight in an empty’ room was probably more insightful than the obvious intent – which was to take the piss out of me.  However, upon reflection the two mates I was with, one was (see Better with Des Steele – my friend) and one is still (see Quotes Page – The Wisdom of Puk), pretty insightful sorts of guys.

I suppose the mirror reflects us as our friends reflect the person we really are.

I also think a lot of these ‘fights in empty rooms’ are fights inside my head – always remembering that inside my head is a very dangerous place and I never go there alone!

Maybe, the bogan on the bridge was a reflection of me – maybe it is all done with mirrors and the actual trick is seeing, and realising, what is real, what is now, and what is important.

Maybe, next time I am picking that fight, I perhaps need to spend more time on the riverbank (see Better on the Riverbank), realising that maybe, the enemy I am waiting to come floating buy, the person I am wanting to fight, really is in that empty room – because it’s me.

I hope, I win.

 

 

Better Mentors

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In Greek mythology Mentor was a friend of Odysseus in the story The Odyssey.

Odysseus placed his son Telemachus in the care of Mentor when he set off for the Trojan wars.

Mentor looked after and advised Telemachus as, well, his Mentor!  As a result Telemachus grew up to be a fine young man. The story is a bit more complicated than that, but it will do to illustrate where the term Mentor came from.

The name, or term, Mentor has since been adopted in our modern world as meaning someone who imparts wisdom and knowledge with a person less experienced.

I like to think of a mentor as someone who is:

  • A Coach
  • A Trainer
  • A Guide

Hopefully all of us are able to look back over our lives and recognise the people that have been our Mentors and help to make us better people.

But, are we passing on that legacy?

I think most of us in one form or another impart our ‘life knowledge’ to those less experienced than us – of course if you are trying to do this to your teenage kids we have to understand that, all they hear is white noise.  I suppose in these circumstances we just hope that the adage that the older our kids get, the smarter we appear to them, still holds!

Is the urge to mentor in our society being overcome by our need to constantly innovate and achieve in our lives, just to appear as if we are being a ‘valuable contributor.’  Well, I hope not, but the constant need to achieve, ourselves, instead of helping others be better than us, and perhaps take our job, is a fear perpetuated by modern organisations breeding environments of dog eat dog and working for promotion instead of the ‘greater good.’

Recently, I was involved in a mentoring program where I volunteered to be a mentor.  I thought I had something to offer.  I went along to the ‘meet and greet’ where prospective mentors met those wishing to be mentored.  As we all introduced ourselves I thought I should be on the mentee side (apologies but that is the modern term being used for those being mentored – I have just decided that it is silly – all I can think of is ‘it’s moments like these I need mentees’ – so I will use the ‘old’ term – mentorees).  Some of the people wanting to be mentored were Directors in Government, Mangers and even Doctors!  A lot of the mentors were not phased by this as they where, to me anyway, already thinking they were better than everyone else in the room, if not the planet.  I was thinking that some of these people were not being mentors for altruistic motives but for ego enhancement. Eventually, after the meet and greets the mentorees put in a list of preferences as to which people they would like to be their mentor and the matches were made by the organisers.

Well, I have been working with my mentoree for about a year now, and both of us have got a lot from it and in a lot of ways, not what we expected.

I liked the program as it got those wishing to mentor and those wishing to be mentored together.  There were costs involved for the mentorees, but the mentors all did it for nothing – well, nothing in a monitory sense.BBM

I have a ‘smokey idea’ in my head of starting a mentoring program as part of our consulting business, so watch this space or send me any ideas or suggestions you might have either in the comments section below or email me at ianschlein@gmail.com.

So, where does that leave us at the moment.

Well, I think we all do our bit in mentoring those around us; age is not a barrier to mentor ‘up’ or ‘down’ but I think acceptance that we have something to give and/or we have something to learn, is a bit of a stumbling block for all of us.  The stumbling blocks are, if we want to learn something who do we turn to and how do we find someone who knows what we want to know and how do we find them: conversely, if we have something to offer, how do we put our hand up and get connected to prospective mentorees?  Hence the reason I am thinking about starting up a program which provides an avenue to do this.  Something along the lines of a web page (I like the name ‘AdelaideMentors’) where prospective mentors and mentorees could put in their name and details and after which they would be matched.  This would be supported by a couple of seminars throughout the year to hear from the mentors and mentorees.  So, again, what do you think?

I think one important thing is that mentoring also provides us with the opportunity to leave a bit of a legacy behind in knowledge, guidance or just making someone a little better for knowing us.  Legacy is a wonderful word and a great concept for doing things in our lives – you can’t take your things with you when you go to that higher plain, just as you can’t take that knowledge with you.  Yeah, leave a will to distribute your ‘stuff’ but what about all those years of knowledge and experience in your head – it’s just gone…..

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Perhaps, next time someone less experienced than us seeks assistance, even if we are busy, or life is getting in the way, I think we have to consider, what if that was me 10, 20, 30 years ago, what would I have wanted?  If we take that minute, or even a longer investment to be that Coach, Trainer or Guide, I don’t think it is an opportunity to just make that person a better person, but perhaps I will go so far as it will make the world a better place and most definitely it will make us better.

 

 

 

 

 

Better with things on wheels

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I just love things on wheels.

No, not big fat muscle cars, but, just stuff that moves around on wheels, in my shed.

I love my shed and I have lots of stuff.  To my wife’s bewilderment, I get more stuff to go with my other stuff.  It is hard to explain why I sometimes need two or three of the
same thing and an array of miss matched and appropriately sorted and labelled screws, nuts, bolts and bits of strange shaped things (some of which I have forgotten the reason I saved them – but I know I will need it tomorrow if I throw it away today!)

So all my stuff fills my shed and often I have to move stuff to get to other stuff.  The answer, have everything on wheels!IMG_7099

I have benches on wheels, seats on wheels, shelves on wheels, lockers on wheels and trollies on wheels to wheel things around that don’t have wheels, yet!

I think it is my knowledge that I am the master of my environment, albeit that it is a 20 x 20 shed,  because of the wheels on my things.

I have decided that there are a few things that must be on wheels to have a productive, safe and happy time in my shed.  Incidentally, this is MY shed and the Occupational Health Safety and Welfare guidelines are what I make them – there will be no ‘Hi-Viz’ vests (see my post on this at Better with Hi-Viz).  Safety will always be trumped by fun, if it is more fun to have something on wheels than it is safe to do so then the wheels must be fitted with all due haste.  Fitting wheels immediately upon a new purchase is imperative however, I do not recommend taking the wheels of your wife’s ‘market trolley’ or small child’s trike as they don’t get it!  In these circumstances, it is just another really good reason to go to Bunnings – because I need a reason!

Okay, so the things that must be on wheels:

  1. A Seat on WheelsIMG_7096
    Mine is an old office chair that I have removed the broken office seat from and replaced it with a stool top.  This allows me to just plonk down on it to either do work on the low bench or the high bench (must have both!) and also to just sit on and have a beer – which is becoming a more regular shed exercise than actually doing work.  This seat of course, being a recycled office chair has adjustable height and most of all, you can scoot around the shed to get stuff (including beer) without actually standing up.
  2. Esky of WheelsIMG_7093
    I have converted an old fridge into my favourite esky (yes I know ‘Esky’ is a brand name but I just hate the word ‘cooler’).  As a result this is a big esky and requires two people to lift it when full but can be wheeled about by one.  Of course having the esky and the above stool on wheels gives you the option of scooting on the stool to the esky or wheeling the esky to you – both fantastic solutions to getting a beer with the minimum of heavy lifting or in fact actually walking.
  3. Tool Box on Wheels
    Well my tool box doesn’t actually have wheels but I have IMG_7102a tool box trolley to wheel my tool boxes around.  This is of course only needed when the ‘shed toolbox’ does not have a tool I need and I have to bring the ‘car toolbox’ into the shed or visa versa.  Plus if you have the tool box on wheels and are using the stool on wheels you can actually do all your jobs again by just scooting around on your stool and having your tool box in tow – and getting beer at the same time.
  4. BBQ on Wheels
    This is not the big BBQ that sits in the back yard with multiple burners, flat plate and wok burner (whatever that is!) but the BBQ that you take to the river, on the family holiday, to the park.  It is also not one of those little round one’s like our Dads had were we had to have three rounds of cooking just to feed the family.  My BBQ has wheels that are to move it from storage to usage.  It is a big flat plate BBQ for doing the IMG_7094sausage sizzle or the morning pancake parade while trying to feed 100s of our own kids and the 100s that always seem to be hanging around (and recently writing things on our shopping list that they would like us to have in our house for them!).  This ‘family BBQ’ is the next generation with a built in table, it’s own set of tools and I have got rid of the annoying little ‘fat cup’ underneath and put in a ‘fat channel’ that  directs all the fat into beer can that you throw away at the end of the day (my Mother would be horrified as this ‘dripping’ was what she cooked all our breakfast eggs in – usually at a depth of about 3 cms!).

I actually can go on and on about things on wheels and how I love my shed – but it is Sunday morning and I am sitting at my computer writing this when I should be having my second cup of coffee in my shed, just standing there, wondering and actually bearing witness to man’s triumph over maintaining serenity and order in a world of hardware and stuff.

So in the future, when you bend to lift that heavy thing, when you have to stand up to get that beer, think about the wonder of wheels on things ……. and go about installing them immediately!

 

 

Better at Parties

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I have just returned home from an afternoon birthday party for a mate.  Last night we went to a birthday party for another friend.

Screen shot 2015-02-07 at 9.46.04 AM

Each time I came home I realised that I am enjoying parties more, when traditionally they were often an ‘obligation’ or a piss fest for dubious reasons.

Why?

Well I suppose it has something to do with the parties I am now being invited to.  This incidentally was a subject of a conversation at both the recent parties that I have attended.

As you may have guessed from my other posts (or the fact that you know me) I am a 53 year old, technically double divorcee, making a great life with my wonderful wife and our complicated and often confusing blended lives.

Screen Shot 2015-02-01 at 4.23.45 pm

Well, at these parties we are often lamenting (sorry, but I love the word lamenting!) our life experience and position in the evolutionary chain where we are now getting invited to funerals, 50+ birthdays or the birthdays of our children; often 21st’s where we either supply the food or the money, and leave early!

Happy_Anniversary_05

So why at this stage of my life am I ‘better at parties’.

I think the reason is that historically (read – ‘when I was under 30’) parties were supposed to be fun and we would have fun at any cost, even if we were not having fun.  The party of the year could not be missed even if there were another 20 parties of the year that had to be attended in that week!

And, now, parties are something that I go to because I/we are invited because of what I/we bring, other than a present.
And, the presents are often a hand made card, with old photos, and something that was baked or made for the specific purpose of giving it to my friend.
And, leaving early is something that is accepted because we all have real lives
And, we attended because it meant something to us
And, we attended because it meant something to them
And, we felt welcome
And, we laughed (that big belly laugh that only comes with being with real friends)
And, we talk to everyone at the party because they were just like us

And (most of all), even if you left early or were the last to leave, all they way home you chatted about what a good time you had, and how the people were nice, and even though you have enough friends you were now glad that you got to meet new and different people, and how you laughed, and how you were going to ring so-and-so because they seemed a little sad, and you thought you might catch up for a coffee, and how you so, so, so, so much appreciated being at that party.

I am better at parties because the parties are better.

Yeah, it took a little longer than I thought (maybe 30 or so years) to get around to knowing which parties were the best and also organising the parties that were the best.

But, now the only parties I go to, or the only parties I organise are the ones that actually use the excuse of a birthday, an anniversary or even a death to be with the people that add to my life.  The best parties are the ones that celebrate the getting together of people to do nothing other than be with each other; yeah, we celebrate the ‘occassion’ but really it is about the people, and I suppose the word is the ‘fellowship’.

We have an annual ‘Boxing Day’ party, which is basically an open house the day after Christmas for everyone to relax and ‘get over’ Christmas day.  We have been having them for about 6 years and every year is quite Screen shot 2015-02-07 at 10.02.44 AMdifferent.  Some are large, others just small gatherings.  But, they are usually a eclectic collection of our friends from the different spheres of our lives.  Some come all day, some just pop in.  We know everyone and the atmosphere encourages everyone to get to know everyone; this is not a ‘high maintenance guests’ party, and mostly we get to relax as well.  I suppose it is because everyone who comes, actually wants to come as it is an ‘open house’ which I suppose pivots around us, bringing our friends together in doing something easy, in a relaxing and peaceful way.

This is something I take to other peoples parties.  I am there because of the host – it is their party and their friends, some or none of who I may know, but I have been thought of enough to get invited.  I think, therefore if I go, I do not want to be a ‘high maintenance guest!’  I want to add to their party as I hope I add to their life.

When my wife and I got married we only invited people who added to our life.  A few people were surprised at their invites and a few were horrified they weren’t.  We only invited people who added to our lives (no-one was invited out of obligation or just for being a relative!) – so they added to our party/reception and it was a real celebration, with real friends.  One of the people I didn’t invite but worked with everyday for years got a bit miffed and eventually asked me why they hadn’t been invited and I asked them a question – “What does my lounge room look like?” – and they couldn’t answer; in 20 years of working together we had never been to each others houses and only ‘associated’ at work.  I do not work there anymore and have not heard from the person I used to talk to on the phone and see everyday for 20 years, since the day I left…! I don’t miss them.

I want to finish this post now, as it says all I want to really say.  But, and there is is always a but in my posts.  I think I need to share the experiences of my parties, both attended and hosted, that can be quantified in a list.

So, here is my list of ‘hints’ for having or going to a great party.

  1. A good party is one you share with people who add to your life.  This is not people who are in your life everyday – add, means add.  No invitation should ever be sent or accepted through obligation (see my post Better at Obligations)
  2. Actually RSVP  – not 5 minutes before to say sorry but Screen shot 2015-02-07 at 9.42.48 AMyou can’t make is as the kids are sick/baby sitter cancelled/had to work – we all know it’s bullshit – have the guts to say no!
  3. Generosity in time in preparing or attending is noticed and reciprocated.
  4. The start time is a real indicator of the time that the party actually starts.  Arriving late is just rude (see my post on Better with the ONLY commodity)
  5. Leaving is the time it is supposed to be for you or them.
  6. Stories and listening are equally important – do both, about the same.
  7. Say hello to everyone and say goodbye to those you can.
  8. Send thank you notes.
  9. Bring lots and leave it all – take the last of the cake if offered.
  10. If you organise the next one before the end of this one, actually organise it.

I’m not to sure if I am better at parties or if the parties are better – either way, the party of the year is usually the one you least expect.