Monthly Archives: January 2015

Better the Scorpion

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I thought I would write a post not about nature or nurture but about what really drives us and is one of my favourite subjects: values. (Click here to go to my values page which has a ‘self test’ about values you might want to try!)

First off though, I need to tell a story.  It is a ‘fable’ which has been around for ages but is a little hard to find the origin of – look it up on Wikipedia and it doesn’t really help.  That’s not the point, anyway:

A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river as the scorpion couldn’t swim. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, both would sink and both would drown. The frog sees the logic in this and agrees to carry the scorpion across the river on his back. About midway across the river the scorpion goes, BANG! and stings the frog, dooming them both. With the frog’s last breath before he goes under paralysed from the scorpions sting, he says “Why did you do that, now we’re both going to die.”  the scorpion replies “Because it’s in my nature. You knew I was a scorpion when you picked me up.”

I suppose this fable is one close to my heart as I am a bit like the scorpion.  No, who’s kidding who here – I am the scorpion.

The trick is not stinging the frog, when you really, really, really want to.

To me (remember trying to be a better man) I find it hard not to sting as a matter of reflex (remember it’s in my nature) especially dealing with all the dick heads in the world!  (See my post on 6 Percenters – they are really hard not to sting!)

But……

Most of the time going with my nature doesn’t turn out all that well and often (usually always!) makes me feel worse at the end of it.

As the sting is a reflex, I go back to the advice of my old mate Bob Kearney  when dealing with difficult people and situations:

“Don’t just do something, stand there!”

Yeah, you’re right it is a twist on an old saying (if you didn’t get the twist, read it again!).  But, it is the twist that stops instinct taking over from both nature, nurture, rules, common sense and most of all fear (even though fear is not real – click here to read about that!).

Bob would say that in that ‘moment’ you are standing there, consciously thinking about the situation you are in, you can then make a decision which is a response not a reaction.  Bearing in mind that ‘moment’ may be a nano-second in an emergency or a longer period if you have the time – it could be years in a marriage!!!

What happens is the below fundamental realisations come about from just standing there:

  1. I am thinking – not reacting (although this is a bad idea if you are getting chased by something that may be about to eat you – I recommend thinking really fast! – forget it, flight of fight just kicked in!)
  2. I will make a decision which is best for me.
  3. In a short time I wont care about this.

I go through this process on an almost daily basis when receiving todays version of ‘customer service’.  I used to ‘sting’ a lot – especially when I get asked “Are you right!”  Oh, I stung a lot!

Now….. being calm, just standing there…. greeting the morning sun…. I do that….. I just stand there….. (I try not to let my eyes glaze over too much or they might think I am having a stroke!)  Eventually they will say something along the lines of “Excuse me can I help you”  Then I ‘wake up’ and start to engage with them as if nothing has happened.  But this is usually not the end….. Eventually they will call back from the pie warmer getting my highly anticipated Vilies Pie the statement, “SAUCE!” and it all starts over again.

I think we all have something in our nature that we have to fight on a daily basis – it may be the sting or it may even be the reaction of always giving in or worse of all, being oblivious to our lives.

I said at the start of this post that it wasn’t about nature or nurture yet this is probably the reason we are reacting in a certain way – but – our values dictate if we allow our behaviour to continue once we notice (or someone brings it to our attention – how embarrassment!)

It all just takes a bit of concentration and being aware of where we are and what’s happening around us at that moment.  I reckon it is living a ‘mindful’ life by noticing that we are actually here, now.

The mindful man, the better man, the better person, the person who has noticed their life must often resist the temptation to follow their nature (even if that prick really, really, really, really deserves it – SAUCE!)

 

 

 

Better at Obligations

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If you were wondering if I was going to come around and help you move, or paint the house, of do that paving, or…. well just about anything, the answer is, no.

I don’t go and help people do their stuff and I don’t ask people to help me.  I have arranged the most complex pulley systems, leavers, counterweights and just plain anvilslogged it out alone rather than ask ‘a mate’ for help.  If I do ask for help (I may be pinned under an engine block for example…) I just  can’t get over the feeling of obligation in ‘returning the favour.’  Owing a days work is like spending time until I pay it back carrying an anvil of obligation around my neck (anvils are really heavy…)

Why?

I dont like the ‘obligation’ surrounding ‘helping out’.

It is strange considering that my core values are: Service, Integrity, Loyalty and Knowledge.  I think I should have a look at those in relation to the anvil.

SERVICE

To me service is a selfless thing.  It is doing something for the greater good or the good of the individual who can’t do it for themselves.  Yeah, I would clean out the gutters of the old bloke down the street who can’t do it for themselves and not expect anything in return – other than that feeling that comes from genuinely doing something good for no other reason than it is something good.  I don’t donate too much to charity but when I do I prefer it to be big.  Also, I donate to those I can trust (I do my research – especially when I read in the news the other day that one charity only donates 1% – yes read that – ONE PERCENT – of all money collected to the cause it is raising money for!  The rest goes on administration, running costs and wages!) and I never donate to the ‘Harry-died-of cancer-so-we-made-a-new-charity-to-remember-him-fund’ as they just set up an entire new set of admin which chews into the money collected – wouldn’t it be better to remember Harry by actually making sure all money goes to the cause?

So is this base value of mine really about service.  Yes.  But that service has to be for the right reason and for the right cause.  I easily walk away from anything I am involved in if I think those involved are serving themselves rather than the actual cause – it is hard to find too many that aren’t doing this in one way or another – either organisationally (see any business, charity or corporation that has a HR or publicity department!) or the individuals that are within it, being only in it for them and not in the alturistic way.

I am reviewing my ‘service’ definition as it is easy to talk about it a lot and donate the occasional buck – but surely true service is selfless, serving those who really do serve and coming out the other end a better person from within.

I think I might volunteer (as soon as I fill in all the forms and get my Police clearance and deal with the despot running the show….)

INTEGRITY

I just love integrity.  Have a look at a few definitions about it and then think about what you have done in the past and will do in the future.  I have lied for my family and friends and would probably do it again – is that integrity thing now gone forever.

I once defined integrity as doing the right thing when nobody is watching – however, in todays world I had to put the caveat on it, that integrity is NOT doing the right thing because somebody might be watching!

Plus, I am sure that there are a whole lot of different religions and ideologies that have differing definitions of integrity that have been developed.  Maybe in some places you can be a little bit pregnant just like you can have varying degrees of integrity. Really.  How do you measure someones integrity – I’ve been caught using my mobile phone in the car but never caught stealing – is it because I have never stolen anything or just never been caught  – you might think it’s just because I’ve never been caught.  I am the only one who knows.  Or should my integrity be tested by increasing levels of temptation until I just can’t resist anymore and don’t pay for the chocolate on the HR or Publicity Department front counter – why did ‘Lion Mints’ disappear from counters everywhere – the honour system didn’t seem to quite work out over the long run.  In a world of thieves (or mobile phone users in cars) is the honest man the one without integrity because they are not doing what is expected?

Integrity is within but only ever tested externally – or depending on your beliefs at some later stage after death or never.  I think the greatest test for integrity is in your heart, working on the fact that you have one with the same values, beliefs, ideologies, up bringing, social circumstances, religion, income and opportunity as me.

I think I might have to cross this one of my list.

LOYALTY

Now we’re talking.  Something every Australian can relate to as it is all about ‘mateship’.  Or is it.  The reason I can cross (maybe) integrity off my list is that if you are loyal to your values (and of course you are not a thief) then surely integritytrity is part of that.

I wrote in a previous blog about the people I let live in my head because they pay rent (click here for a read).  It is about being loyal to those that add to your life.  But, is that loyalty boundless and unconditional.  I think not.  You can’t be loyal to a mate, a cause or a country (read Government) that goes against everything you believe in – your values.  Be under no misapprehension I will stand by my friends no matter what – but standing with them may not necessarily be agreeing with them.  Plus, it’s easy to be a friend in the good times (or when your life is not getting in the way) it is much harder to be loyal to a friend when your life is shit (or even when it is good) and you don’t what their shit on top of your shit.

Loyalty, I have decided, is always being loyal to your values.  Let’s face it a friend is a friend usually because they have the same values.

KNOWLEDGE

I have to start this part off with the ‘wisdom of Puk’ a friend of mine who with our mate Des (who passed away recently but will live on through us – read about Des in my post Better with Des Steele, my friend) often plucked (a pluck by Puk!) great wisdom from day to day life.  Puk would comment about others (and hopefully observations of others about us) that there is someone “who know stuff, about things.”

I think we all know that person and often want to be them.  A lucky few were born that way but for most of use the ‘pursuit of knowledge’ especially after we are forced to learn at school is something we have to work and and want to.

I love knowing ‘stuff’

I have just finished an indonesian course (and am doing the advanced one next year – it is on Friday nights so it has a double advantage in that I will learn Indonesian and not go out boozing on Fridays night!).  I have enrolled in a welding course next year – I just always wanted to know how to weld – I want to make stuff!

But so much of the ‘knowledge’ I possess I have learned from other people.  When I was training at work I knew that it was all a bit pointless because 80% of work skills we actually learned on the job, so I hoped my courses were designed more to make people thing and know what to learn, than to actually learn too much at all!

Most of the knowledge I have I go for free, so I think I also have an obligation (there is that word again) to give it away as well.

Also I think knowledge is about knowing yourself – the hardest subject of all.

Plus there are also those things that once you know you can’t ‘unknow’ – these are often the things that change relationships, attitudes, beliefs and even faith in others.  Knowledge is power but it is has to be the case of using that power for ‘good not evil.’  I read “Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus” twice – the first time I learned how to manipulate people the second I learned how to get along with people – it is all about how you use and share you knowledge.

Knowledge is also wonderful.  Great stories, great poems, great adventures and there is nothing better than the epiphany when you learn something new and say “You’re kidding – I never knew that” and in fact it may end a life long misbelief, prejudice or add to your life in ways you couldn’t image.

Knowledge is also a living legacy of all those that came before us on this finite journey.  Knowledge is the relay race of our species and if you don’t take the baton and run, then perhaps you are just a spectator after all.

So what about those obligations?

Where does all this Service, Integrity (still haven’t crossed that one off yet), Loyalty and Knowledge leave me with my obligations?

Simple, I wont be obliged.  I will do what I do because that is who I am: you are my friend because that is who WE are.  It is simple to not ring a friend and through that one act (over a period of time) you stop being friends – were you friends in the first place?  Twice in the last week someone has said to me friends are for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime…. it is a matter of working out does a reason really make a friendship, are you in summer, winter or are the leaves already falling (seasons can take a long time) or really, “We few, we lucky few, we band of brothers’ are really hear for life.

I will come and help you, because I know you needed me mate?   And of course I want (read, really want) your life to be better because I am in it.  I will not come and help you because I feel obliged.

So what happens when you need your friends and suddenly your life seems pretty solitary.  Firstly don’t tell yourself ‘stories’ like they don’t care about me etc etc.  Maybe their life did get in the way… maybe it was more important.  I was going to write ‘you be the judge’ but recently I realised that I judge just about everybody and everything because that is what I have always done.  It has to be just about the facts – ‘Just the facts, ma’am”!

Obligation no longer exists for me – I think that is the answer.

Screen shot 2015-01-03 at 7.11.17 AM

It makes life easier (and considering one of my mantras is keep it simple – I think this fits with my values) but execution of a simple plan is often very hard.

But, I can keep that simple to.  If it doesn’t feel right don’t do it.

I’m sure I can be very much obliged but just not enough to be obliged.

As I said in Better with the ONLY Commodity it is all about time – how I spend my finite resource will be about actually being a better man – this may including doing your paving or helping you move, but it will always be about because of the way you made me feel not because of the feeling of obligation.

Just a final thought.

Recently I went through a sad period of my life with the loss of my mate Des and my wonderful Mum.  People, my friends (a lot who were relatives) were great.

My favourite part of this process was when someone rang and uttered those hollow words “If there is anything I can do just let me know” and I would reply, as a matter of fact there is, could you come around and wash my car or mow the lawn or clean our house or tidy my shed or run down the shops and get me a pie and a packet of smokes….. they all thought I was joking!

 

 

 

Better on the Escalator

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I try to be a better man in most things that I do – but, some things just shit me and people just shit me especially on escalators in airports.
The world is a busy place, everywhere, except on an escalator at an airport – where of course everyone is rushing.
I just don’t get it!
People run about all day, always in a hurry, driving like they are on a blood run for the haemophelic ward or concentrating on their smart phones as if they are personally advising Bill Gates.  This is all doubled at the airport where everyone is in a hurry fearful of missing the plane that they are 3 hours early for. Yet, approach the escalator and the world changes.
Just as a side issue at airports.  I like it that there are really only two sets of travellers.  Those that appear to know what they are doing and are seasoned travellers and the rest of us.  Well, I have ascertained that most of the airport is full of those only pretending that they are seasoned travellers and in fact most are really like us, but, they are just acting.  Seasoned travellers are few in a crowded airport and you have to look hard as they actually fade into the background.  The pretend seasoned traveller (hiding fear and trepidation – and using what they learned last time, and the only time, they have flown in the last 3 years!) walk with an air of I know what I am doing; but prolonged observation will see they are checking their watch, looking at the departure signs and reading every other advisory sign in an attempt to gain covert information that they can pretend that they always knew.  Also the real seasoned traveller if providing help or asked a question will be polite and advise in a quiet and helpful way – avoiding any embarrassment to you.  The pretend seasoned traveller on the other hand will often walk through the airport with their gaggle as if giving an orientation lecture to new employees and if asked a question or God forbid they offer assistance, it will be loud, it will be public and it will be with that smirk on their face that you just want to slap, but unfortunately you need to know where ‘Gate 4/B/Temporary’ is!
So back to the escalator (take the stairs if available by the way!)
On the escalators at airports the rules of the normal world of hurry, rush, push in and get there as fast as you can, no matter what, cease to exist. A new set of rules appears to apply for that 20 seconds of grid metalwork travel.
To name just a few:
  1. Notwithstanding that two seconds before they have been running, they suddenly lose sufficient coordination to undertake the transition onto a moving walkway. So they stop dead in the entrace to the escalator and take at least 3 hesitant attempts to get on. Of course the number of steps used to step on is in direct proportion to the number of people concetenering together behind like a hillbillies squeeze box.
  2. The above, is of course better performed if carrying or dragging a suitcase which appears as if they have just returned from 7 years in Tibet with Brad Pitt.  This assists with point one, as it not only entails foot step coordination but the manoeuvring of a behemoth bag in front of heaps of other people with behemoth bags all thinking your bag is stupid.
  3. Although they have been rushing before the escalator, in an individual quest to get to where ever they are going, just prior to stepping on the escalator is the time to stop and search for those you are apparently travelling with.  Point one doesn’t come into this as you stop right in the entrance to the escalator, with no actual attempt to get on, with your behemoth bag, completely blocking the entrance and turn around searching for your friends/family.  This must be done with a look of complete obliviousness to any person lining up behind you.
  4. Finally (although I could probably rave on all day!) is the escalator blocker.  Preferably travelling along, but couples are acceptable.  Walk onto the escalator (behemoth bag optional) and stand right in the middle.  The manoeuvre also involves obliviousness as in the above point to anyone who may be trying to get past.  Of course those of us banked up behind would never actually say excuse me to get passed but all stand behind annoyed and if truly escalator gifted look at other travellers for disapproval or do a bit of huffing and puffing for effect.

I have travelled interstate (I live in South Australia, Australia) where there is ‘escalator etiquette’ which I believe breaches of, are punishable by death.

Maybe, it is not worth worrying about and just part of the ups and down in life (boom, boom!)

So, do I be a better man next time I am on the escalator…. or just give them a little push.